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General => Ancestral Family Tree DNA Testing => Topic started by: billbir on Thursday 19 April 18 09:51 BST (UK)
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Anyone taking a DNA test must recognise that they could find some skeletons in the family tree cupboard, and I am one of those that have discovered a number. I am looking for some advice, from others in a similar position. What do you do when the exposure of these skeletons, would affect living relatives, some old and some not so old. Do you keep it to yourself, or do you have some moral obligation to inform those concerned. I have taken the former route, but am unsure whether it is the right one. Any advice would be much appreciated.
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I think it has to be up to the individual and the circumstances around it. I'm sorry that I cant give you the advice you may want to hear but it really is your own based on family circumstances.
I havent found any major skeletons , apart from FTDNA saying I dont have any Australian Aboriginal DNA , and my mother declaring very strongly the reason my brother is dark is because of 'ancestral dalliances' which are so far not backed up by the paper trail.
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I have inadvertently found a skeleton.
When my DNA results came through I found I had a second cousin - down as an anonymous male. I found that we should meet at my gt grandparents so sent an email stating who I was, where I was born and names that would link to any of my sets of gt grandparents.
He is a Frenchman totally bewildered that he has a British 2nd cousin. He has done his tree and there's no one British on there. He does however come from an area near WW1 battlefields and confirmed family were in the area at the time of WW1. Looks like one of my great uncles was friendly with a young French mademoiselle or madame during WW1, maybe a grandmother of his.
He wrote to say he was going to ask his older relatives if they knew why he has me as a 2nd cousin. I'm still waiting for any more info.
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I think it has to be up to the individual and the circumstances around it. I'm sorry that I cant give you the advice you may want to hear but it really is your own based on family circumstances.
I havent found any major skeletons , apart from FTDNA saying I dont have any Australian Aboriginal DNA , and my mother declaring very strongly the reason my brother is dark is because of 'ancestral dalliances' which are so far not backed up by the paper trail.
Hi David,
Thanks for your reply. It does seem as though you might have found a ‘skeleton’, and raised it with a family member, so that is interesting. I hope that you manage to resolve it.
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I have inadvertently found a skeleton.
When my DNA results came through I found I had a second cousin - down as an anonymous male. I found that we should meet at my gt grandparents so sent an email stating who I was, where I was born and names that would link to any of my sets of gt grandparents.
He is a Frenchman totally bewildered that he has a British 2nd cousin. He has done his tree and there's no one British on there. He does however come from an area near WW1 battlefields and confirmed family were in the area at the time of WW1. Looks like one of my great uncles was friendly with a young French mademoiselle or madame during WW1, maybe a grandmother of his.
He wrote to say he was going to ask his older relatives if they knew why he has me as a 2nd cousin. I'm still waiting for any more info.
Hi
Thanks for the interesting story. Yours, is a slightly different situation, as both you and your French relative, have taken a DNA test, and therefore, must be to some extent, prepared for the findings. Mine is where the other parties are ( I think!) blissfully unaware.That is my dilemma, do I leave them in ignorance?
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I think it has to be up to the individual and the circumstances around it. I'm sorry that I cant give you the advice you may want to hear but it really is your own based on family circumstances.
I havent found any major skeletons , apart from FTDNA saying I dont have any Australian Aboriginal DNA , and my mother declaring very strongly the reason my brother is dark is because of 'ancestral dalliances' which are so far not backed up by the paper trail.
David
Aborigines are not the only 'black' people to have been in Australia in our early days.
For instance, my Billy Blue was black, but not an aborigine, I found when I delved into things.
He came as a convict from England. We haven't traced his origins, but a cousin had his DNA done and it showed 'deep west African roots'. And various other findings lead us to believe he or his antecedents were in Jamaica.
Have you read "Black Founders" by Cassandra Pybus? She devotes (from memory) one chapter per person to the various black people who came with the earlier convict ships.
Dawn M
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It can be a difficult road to travel. It will have to be your decision whether you inform the rest of the family or not. Not all revelations of skeletons will be well received, you will have to think carefully before you decide.
My own skeleton was inadvertantly discovered when I first started researching the family, she reached out to me and we struck up a correspondence, she was looking for answers about who she was,etc, the reaction from the rest of the family was less than pleasant.
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medpat ...my mum came out as 2nd cousin with a man on amcestry
actually it was a link thru their grandmother .. she knew that her mother had a legitimate brother
but the man had no idea his grandmother had a baby before his father
so they are half cousins ...only one grandparent in common
this would suggest to me that it could be your grandfather who had a dalliance
if its a direct line
or an uncle (rather than great uncle ) if its a step sideways is that any help ?
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Bilbur
It is a sensitive subject
I think for people who have few direct relatives they may like to know that they do have cousins or siblings but if its a case of discoverig their beloved parents or grandparents are not their birth parents it would be more traumatic . Does it depend how distant a relative it was ?
My mother was pleased to discover who her true grandparents were and what became of them ..and I think her new cousin was pleased to discover his grandmothers roots but was actually more interested in finding out about his fathers father .
Discretion is probably the best route ..unless you know someone is searching for answers .
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Bilbur
It is a sensitive subject
I think for people who have few direct relatives they may like to know that they do have cousins or siblings but if its a case of discoverig their beloved parents or grandparents are not their birth parents it would be more traumatic . Does it depend how distant a relative it was ?
My mother was pleased to discover who her true grandparents were and what became of them ..and I think her new cousin was pleased to discover his grandmothers roots but was actually more interested in finding out about his fathers father .
Hi Brigid,
Your reply is a bit confusing, as you seem to favour caution, yet say that your mother was pleased to discover who her true grandparents are. Sometimes people aren’t searching for an answer, because they were not aware that there was a question that needed answering.
Discretion is probably the best route ..unless you know someone is searching for answers .
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It can be a difficult road to travel. It will have to be your decision whether you inform the rest of the family or not. Not all revelations of skeletons will be well received, you will have to think carefully before you decide.
My own skeleton was inadvertantly discovered when I first started researching the family, she reached out to me and we struck up a correspondence, she was looking for answers about who she was,etc, the reaction from the rest of the family was less than pleasant.
Hi,
Thanks for your wise counsel. How did the rest of the family come to hear of it, and thus react. I am in the same position as yourself, but the family are, to my knowledge, unaware. Has the rest of the family’s reaction, improved over time?
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Partly through my own research, not via DNA, I found out, as an ADULT, that a much loved aunt was actually my grandmother, and not my dad's sister as he thought. Those concerned died a long time ago, over 40 years ago, but it is still odd thinking about it, especially in view of the fact that there was an unknown family secret for 60 years, until my dad needed a copy of his birth certificate.
I'm all in favour of rattling a few skeleton bones in the closet, but also it must be considered that one day they might find out the truth, as well as finding out that you knew and didn't say anything.
In the words of the old calypso song, Your Daddy ain't your daddy but your Daddy don't know.
Martin
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I think it has to be up to the individual and the circumstances around it. I'm sorry that I cant give you the advice you may want to hear but it really is your own based on family circumstances.
I havent found any major skeletons , apart from FTDNA saying I dont have any Australian Aboriginal DNA , and my mother declaring very strongly the reason my brother is dark is because of 'ancestral dalliances' which are so far not backed up by the paper trail.
David
Aborigines are not the only 'black' people to have been in Australia in our early days.
For instance, my Billy Blue was black, but not an aborigine, I found when I delved into things.
He came as a convict from England. We haven't traced his origins, but a cousin had his DNA done and it showed 'deep west African roots'. And various other findings lead us to believe he or his antecedents were in Jamaica.
Have you read "Black Founders" by Cassandra Pybus? She devotes (from memory) one chapter per person to the various black people who came with the earlier convict ships.
Dawn M
Oh yes I am aware of the history of Blacks of African descent in Australia. Billy Blue being the most prominent but certainly not the only one. :)
My DNA , from 2 sites , says mostly European and then the usual trail through to the mid east. ie any supposed west african or jamaican is not highlighted.
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bilbur ..sorry to be confusing
my mother was happy about it because she was the one looking for information
for answers but I believe some people may not want to know . i agree with David it depends on individual circumstances .
*there may be a difference between giving someone a relative they didnt know they had
or
taking away a connection ...ie if DNA results show that a grandparent on a tree isnt shared but you cant tell them who the blood grandparent was...if that makes sense .
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I do paid research for other people, and at least twice I've been in the position of having discovered a "family secret", of comparatively recent origins. So when reporting back my findings, I've had to go slowly and carefully, and present them with the facts from the best angle possible, leaving them to draw their own conclusions. Usually starting with, "I did find something that didn't look normal", and seeing if they want to know.
But these people were already looking at their family. If someone isn't even looking, ignorance may be bliss. It will depend solely on the family. "Sensitive" has to be the word!
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It can be a difficult road to travel. It will have to be your decision whether you inform the rest of the family or not. Not all revelations of skeletons will be well received, you will have to think carefully before you decide.
My own skeleton was inadvertantly discovered when I first started researching the family, she reached out to me and we struck up a correspondence, she was looking for answers about who she was,etc, the reaction from the rest of the family was less than pleasant.
Hi,
Thanks for your wise counsel. How did the rest of the family come to hear of it, and thus react. I am in the same position as yourself, but the family are, to my knowledge, unaware. Has the rest of the family’s reaction, improved over time?
I mentioned it in passing to an uncle who lived in the same city as me, that I had found a cousin but wasn't sure how she fitted in yet, his reaction was rude to say the least, a cousin who was sharing family info with me must have been contacted by him because all contact stopped. I have had no contact with that side of the family since. I suspect because of their reaction that they had also found out about her and didn't think anyone else would.
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It can be a difficult road to travel. It will have to be your decision whether you inform the rest of the family or not. Not all revelations of skeletons will be well received, you will have to think carefully before you decide.
My own skeleton was inadvertantly discovered when I first started researching the family, she reached out to me and we struck up a correspondence, she was looking for answers about who she
was,etc, the reaction from the rest of the family was less than pleasant.
Hi,
Thanks for your wise counsel. How did the rest of the family come to hear of it, and thus react. I am in the same position as yourself, but the family are, to my knowledge, unaware. Has the rest of the family’s reaction, improved over time?
I
It can be a difficult road to travel. It will have to be your decision whether you inform the rest of the family or not. Not all revelations of skeletons will be well received, you will have to think carefully before you decide.
My own skeleton was inadvertantly discovered when I first started researching the family, she reached out to me and we struck up a correspondence, she was looking for answers about who she was,etc, the reaction from the rest of the family was less than pleasant.
Hi,
Thanks for your wise counsel. How did the rest of the family come to hear of it, and thus react. I am in the same position as yourself, but the family are, to my knowledge, unaware. Has the rest of the family’s reaction, improved over time?
it in passing to an uncle who lived in the same city as me, that I had found a cousin but wasn't sure how she fitted in yet, his reaction was rude to say the least, a cousin who was sharing family info with me must have been contacted by him because all contact stopped. I have had no contact with that side of the family since. I suspect because of their reaction that they had also found out about her and didn't think anyone else would.
I have to say that if that happened to me, it would make me even more determined, to solve the mystery.
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Not a skeleton exactly, but a crumb of possible enlightenment for me. My mother's paternal line has been impossible to follow as her father was illegitimate, the result of what appears to have been a brief encounter. He was born in 1894 so I imagine there was some hushing-up done. None now live who could shed any light on that. Mum and her brother were quite dark complexioned and dark-haired and, when I did the Ancestry DNA test a while ago, an 8% 'slice of the pie' was Iberian. None of the other lines I've followed seem to suggest that, so perhaps there's a mysterious hint of Spanish in the family. I'll never know for sure, but it's a hint I suppose.
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Not a skeleton exactly, but a crumb of possible enlightenment for me. My mother's paternal line has been impossible to follow as her father was illegitimate, the result of what appears to have been a brief encounter. He was born in 1894 so I imagine there was some hushing-up done. None now live who could shed any light on that. Mum and her brother were quite dark complexioned and dark-haired and, when I did the Ancestry DNA test a while ago, an 8% 'slice of the pie' was Iberian. None of the other lines I've followed seem to suggest that, so perhaps there's a mysterious hint of Spanish in the family. I'll never know for sure, but it's a hint I suppose.
I think that other like minded genealogists, would take your enlightened view, and take the positives out of the find. Unfortunately, those not interested in discovering their roots, take a more jaundiced view.
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Continuing, for me its relatively easy as I am comfortable with any discovery I make. I think its this curiosity that got us into FH in the first place.
I took DNA tests to help break brickwalls and to see if any of the family myths are true. ie the aboriginal descent and if my grandfather or even father are related. Neither are resolved satisfactorily but I do have a hint that the 2nd might be incorrect ie I have strong connections confirmed with descendants of ancestors above my grandfather on his side.
Sometimes stubborness can also impact , as we see with the cousins above. I'm not sure my grandfather , if he was alive , would accept this 'evidence' . I should also accept this evidence and I do mostly, its the stickler in me, but I am still looking for the Gibbins males to test. Hop to it chaps.
I have mentioned previously my mother is reluctant to take a DNA test but she is more and more coming around to the idea. I think this stems from the idea that she might find a sister she thinks might be out there.
As of now it is a 'story' of her father playing around and a woman being spotted in the same small area she lived in looking extraordinarily like another of her sisters , so much so people accused her sister of ignoring them. I think her reluctance may only be confirming that her father was as bad as she felt he was and the pain her mother went through.
I am removed 1-2 generations from all of this but if I did find that connection I would sit down and ask my mother as many questions as I could to see her interest. ie 'tell me the story again' ' how do you feel' etc. Then make the call from there. Though I think I would ultimately tell her if the other person wanted to meet her
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Continuing, for me its relatively easy as I am comfortable with any discovery I make. I think its this curiosity that got us into FH in the first place.
I took DNA tests to help break brickwalls and to see if any of the family myths are true. ie the aboriginal descent and if my grandfather or even father are related. Neither are resolved satisfactorily but I do have a hint that the 2nd might be incorrect ie I have strong connections confirmed with descendants of ancestors above my grandfather on his side.
Sometimes stubborness can also impact , as we see with the cousins above. I'm not sure my grandfather , if he was alive , would accept this 'evidence' . I should also accept this evidence and I do mostly, its the stickler in me, but I am still looking for the Gibbins males to test. Hop to it chaps.
I have mentioned previously my mother is reluctant to take a DNA test but she is more and more coming around to the idea. I think this stems from the idea that she might find a sister she thinks might be out there.
As of now it is a 'story' of her father playing around and a woman being spotted in the same small area she lived in looking extraordinarily like another of her sisters , so much so people accused her sister of ignoring them. I think her reluctance may only be confirming that her father was as bad as she felt he was and the pain her mother went through.
I am removed 1-2 generations from all of this but if I did find that connection I would sit down and ask my mother as many questions as I could to see her interest. ie 'tell me the story again' ' how do you feel' etc. Then make the call from there. Though I think I would ultimately tell her if the other person wanted to meet her
Thanks for opening up, it is very much appreciated. It is clear from the replies that have received, that many of us have encountered the skeleton issue, and recognise that this can happen. Unfortunately, those not actively involved with genealogy, but affected by one’s research, are not so enlightened. As someone said, each case needs to been dealt with separately. I certainly managed to stimulate some interesting responses.
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""I have to say that if that happened to me, it would make me even more determined, to solve the mystery. ""
Billbir
I knew who she was soon after she contacted me, but the fact that I didn't specify to my uncle who I had found is what made me suspect that they knew and were trying to stop me from digging any further. Despite their best efforts we have been corresponding for the past 11 years.