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General => Ancestral Family Tree DNA Testing => Topic started by: amon000 on Monday 14 May 18 15:01 BST (UK)

Title: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Monday 14 May 18 15:01 BST (UK)
Hello all,

I believe I have found my biological father through Ancestry DNA and have spent the intervening weeks researching the details and ordering certificates from GRO to verify facts as much as I can at this stage.  I only knew a few details about him (including his name) and it all adds up so far.  I haven't yet approached my AncestryDNA match, who is his maternal cousin.  As someone who has been wondering about the other 'half' of my identity for the last 40 years, this is a really big deal and I don't want to rush in and blow it by approaching it in the wrong way.  I suppose I am looking at how best to proceed.

The sting in the tail, at the outset, is that I discovered my father passed away in 2012 and it was only because he was deceased that his details (and, amazingly, his photograph!) were available for me to see through a match with his nephew's Ancestry tree. 

All I had ever wanted was to know who he was, where he was from, what he looked like and if he had any health-related conditions which may affect my children; I know most of this information now and feel as though I should leave it at that as I have achieved what I wanted to achieve.  However, what I didn't know was that it appears I have 3 half-brothers and it is this which is making me wonder if I should attempt to contact them.  They were all born after me and to a new wife, so I don't think their father's relationship with my mum is directly linked to them or their mother (who was 16 when I was born. He wasn't married to her then, though reportedly he was married to someone else - I am trying to locate this marriage but there are several possibilities and I have certificates on order).

Has anyone else found themselves in this position?  I would be interested to hear of any experiences; I have found the 3 sons on social media but am very wary of plunging straight in.  Of course, I am also at the mercy of the dreaded AncestryDNA match who might not even reply to an email from me, let alone if I reveal how I think we might be related.   

Any ideas as to how to approach would be most welcome. Many thanks.
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: Mart 'n' Al on Monday 14 May 18 15:27 BST (UK)
Amon, 3 years ago I was contacted by a cousin who I didn't know existed, who found various significant names on my web site.  (It seems that our granny was a 'bit of a lad'.)  I was delighted to hear from her and we have been in almost daily contact (London & Melbourne) ever since.  I hope to finally meet her next month.  My brother, however, has shown no interest.  I think you can expect somewhere in between, and a load of back Christmas cards!  I think you should just be yourself, but make sure however you make contact, that it doesn't sound like a scam.  It might come as a shock.  It did for me.  Keep me informed, please.

Martin
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Monday 14 May 18 15:49 BST (UK)
Martin,

Thank you for your reply. I hope my experience is like yours, i.e. a positive one, though at the back of my mind I am dreading a negative reaction, or silence.  I think just being yourself in emails is sound advice - I will keep you informed when I have taken the plunge. I'll work on something and then stick it in an email when I feel sufficiently steeled to hit 'Send'. 

Thanks for the encouragement, really appreciated!

Amanda
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: Finley 1 on Monday 14 May 18 16:52 BST (UK)
By now you will have, like most of us watched the progs on tele about long lost Dads- Mums etc.. so you will see how variable the results are..  At the first point of contact all seems wonderful, but then some they have gone back to and      things had  not turned out so well.

It is a difficult thing to offer advice on.     
I would go for it.. and take my chances -  BUT make sure you are well prepared for all endings.. xxx   all the best

Xin
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: Billyblue on Monday 14 May 18 17:25 BST (UK)
Amanda, as others have said, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

One approach I have seen, by Jigsaw which is an Australian agency uniting adopted persons and birth parents, is something like "Mary Jane thinks you and she met xx years ago at yyy.  She would like to get in touch again.  Please think about this and let us know how if you would like to meet / correspond with her."    You could change this around to suit your own circumstances, of course.

Good luck  :)  :)

Dawn M
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Monday 14 May 18 17:49 BST (UK)
Thanks all for your responses.  I think I am going to email the AncestryDNA match to see if she replies, just outlining some general details about how I think we might be related and see where that leads. I'm not sure how prepared one can be for all eventualities but if I dip my toe in, maybe she will be able to make discreet enquiries with his sons and, if they are horrified, I'll leave well alone.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Many thanks,

Amanda
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: sugarfizzle on Monday 14 May 18 18:21 BST (UK)
It is difficult to advise you as to how to proceed, but my initial thoughts would be to contact the cousin with whom you match.  If she looks at her matches, she will see you at some stage anyway and perhaps wonder who you are.

Then feel the water to see about your half brothers.  Though sad that you will never meet him, in some ways it will make it easier that your father has died, he won't have to answer any awkward questions.

Hope it goes well for you, whatever you decide.

Regards Margaret
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: diplodicus on Monday 14 May 18 18:54 BST (UK)
I think I would feel compelled to give it a go albeit with much trepidation. Writing an initial message must be really difficult and I think I would approach it by trying to imaging what I would prefer to receive if I was the recipient of the letter.

Whatever you decide,  I do hope it goes well for you.
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: dowdstree on Monday 14 May 18 19:57 BST (UK)
You have already has very sound advice but can I just add my own story which although different from yours may be helpful in making up your mind re contacting family members sooner rather than later.

My dad had a brief wartime marriage which ended in divorce. There was a daughter from this relationship but dad had no contact with his daughter whilst she was growing up. Dad remarried at the end of the war and myself and sister were born. In 1980 Rose managed to trace our dad and we all met up. Things went very well or so I thought but my mother was giving dad a hard time and finding it difficult to accept her as part of the family. The upshot was that I was asked to write to Rose and ask if we could take a step back from meeting for a while. I was asked as I was the one who had formed the closest relationship with her. That letter was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life and one which I will always regret. No further contact was ever made by either of us.

Dad passed away in 2005 and by then I knew through a cousin that Rose had divorced and remarried but nobody knew her new married name or where she was living so I had no way of getting in touch to let her know about dad. When my mum passed away in 2010 I felt free to try to trace Rose. After much searching I discovered that she had sadly passed away in 2007. It is a moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life when I saw the death record. I did find out where she is buried and when we are up that way I lay flowers on her grave but that is no substitute for the lost years.

Sorry to sound so sad and emotional but what I am trying to say is please do not delay too long as life is too short.

I wish you good luck whatever you decide is best for you to do.

Dorrie
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Monday 14 May 18 20:35 BST (UK)
Hello all, I have now sent an email, while trying to put myself in my DNA match's shoes.  It is a really difficult thing to write but as I was typing it up I thought that it could be my only shot, so got it all down.

Dorrie - reading your post echoes what a friend of mine said to me this evening: that life is too short to hang about wondering 'what if?'... I am so sorry about what happened in your case.  It sounds as though you made quite a sacrifice in taking a step back - I certainly am not banking on becoming a part of their family or anything, but then our circumstances are different as you say.  It sounds as though it can get very complicated indeed though, regardless.

So I am at the fingers crossed stage now, but thank you for all your good wishes for a positive outcome.  I'll be in touch with an update soon I hope.

Many thanks again.
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 11:07 BST (UK)
Hi, I found my birth father who was American, I always had his name but he denied it at the time the adoption records said. However the Ancestry DNA test proved it was he who fathered me. He is now dead.  I have four half sisters over in America.

Thing is, he married someone soon after I was born (here in the UK where he was stationed) and she is now his widow living in America... I have no wish to upset her and wonder if I should get in touch with my sisters or not. As time is getting on, we are getting no younger, I am in my 60s and so are they. I would love to make contact with one or more of them, but don't want their mother to find out in case it causes problems with her as I don't feel I have the right to do that.

She either knew about me or she didnt' - if she did, she won't want reminding and if she didn't, then it would be a big shock to someone in her 80s.

Or should I contact my sisters and leave it to them, whether they tell her or not? I am in the UK... I only want to make contact with my birth family - I am not after anything other than that. They may well reject me and not believe me, even with the Ancestry DNA linking me directly to that family but what should I do... contact them or not and hope they don't tell his widow and upset her? PS My birth mother is dead but I am already in contact with my birth family here in England (My birth mother's relatives).
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: davidft on Thursday 14 June 18 11:32 BST (UK)
However the Ancestry DNA test proved it was he who fathered me.

Actually no it didn't, and the more reputable companies state this in their small print.

Ancestry autosomal tests do not prove paternity and cannot be used in courts to establish paternity. The best they can do is give a possible indication which is what you have. To prove it you would have to have a proper DNA paternity test done and they could always throw up a surprise result!.

Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 11:41 BST (UK)
Actually yes it did.

I knew the name of my birth father and had already traced his family tree before getting my results back. The ancestry result came back saying I was related to a certain person who was an ancestor of his, in that tree.  So quite a coincidence I would think!  To me, it proves that he was in fact my father, who had been named by my mother as the man responsible.  If I had not done any research on my putative father or didn't have his name, then I would agree with you it could be a long shot.  But not under these circumstances.  It is next to impossible for Ancestry to tell me I am descended from someone who happens to be in the family tree of the person whom my mother named as my father. Coincidences don't come up like that without reason. Thanks for your reply though... I do know it would not stand up in court, as no doctors were present at the test but I don't worry about that.
Title: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: dowdstree on Thursday 14 June 18 12:42 BST (UK)
Welcome to Rootschat UKWoman.

If I were in your position I would initially send an email to your sisters without disclosing the relationship. Something along the lines of Ancestry DNA has shown a match and see if you get a reply and you can then take it slowly from there. You have all the evidence to back up the DNA findings. As you say you may be rejected but at least you will know you tried to make contact with your father's family.

I know nothing really about the complexities of DNA results never having taken the test but I do know the value of having concrete evidence to back up my findings.

Others may disagree with me but this is my personal point of view.

May I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you get a positive outcome.

Dorrie






Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 12:51 BST (UK)
Many thanks Dorrie.

I appreciate your post and your advice; I guess it is up to my sisters whether they involve their mother or not.  As I am on Ancestry, there is a cousin there also, (my father's cousin) so it may be that she will spot me in her matches anyway and get in touch with ME! Who knows.... the only thing holding me back is whether or not my father's widow would hear of it and be distressed.  I really don't want to cause any upset.  But I do need to get in touch with my half sisters just in case they might be interested.  I received a wonderful welcome from my birth mother's family (she is now dead and died before I found them unfortunately)... but my American half needs attention now! LOL!
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: davidft on Thursday 14 June 18 12:53 BST (UK)
What I wrote is factually correct whether you like it or not. It does not help if people make false claims in their very first post and then argue about them in their second post and then in their third post blame the person who corrected their incorrect assertions.
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: dowdstree on Thursday 14 June 18 13:05 BST (UK)
I don't think that davidt is meaning to be offensive to you just the wording comes over that way - quite blunt and to the point. He is looking at the situation from a purely DNA point of view.

I appreciate that you do not want to upset your father's widow. Perhaps if you contacted your father's cousin first that could be a starting point. You know the relationship but the cousin may not have a clue as to who you are and think it is not worth contacting you.

Ignore the negative and concentrate on the positive.

Dorrie
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: sugarfizzle on Thursday 14 June 18 14:02 BST (UK)
Another one who finds davidft's approach less than sympathetic. It's the way in which you try to correct people, davidft, which offends, and your wording comes across as very condescending at times - even when you state what is technically correct, there are ways of doing it which are more sympathetic.

Welcome to Rootschat, UKWoman, we are generally a friendly bunch of people. My advice is to go for it. Your DNA test apparently indcates a very close relationship with your 'cousin'.  Not sure from your original post, have any of your presumed half sisters tested as well?

Back to the original post - have you had any luck, amon000?

Regards Margaret
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 14:16 BST (UK)
Thank you all for your support.  I was very taken aback at such rudeness and like Gardenshed says, if that is acceptable here it started me thinking, this is not the place to be.

Anyway, it is good to know that is not the general tone of people on this site. Davidft, please do not respond to any of my posts from now on.

My half sisters have not tested for DNA no, well as far as I know they haven't.  I think it would have flagged it up if they had anyway. 

Thanks for all your help and advice, and yes it would be good to hear an update on the original post, from amon000.
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 14:48 BST (UK)
Thanks to all the folk who have messaged me. Yes, I will be staying around... I won't be put off by one person.  Thank you for all your kind words and support.
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: sugarfizzle on Thursday 14 June 18 15:30 BST (UK)
''Ah bless I knew you would be along. Considering what you have posted on some of my posts in the past and how you derailed a thread I started I think your comments are how shall we say, er hypocritical.''

davidft.  I really don't want to fall out with you, or anybody else for that matter.

Your first reply was factual and polite, subsequent posts have been rude and condescending to UKWoman and anyone else who has tried to make her feel welcome.

I don't remember giving any adverse comments on any of your posts before, but I do have a short memory in my old age. :)

As for derailing, I presume you mean this thread.

http://www.rootschat.com/forum/index.php?topic=794628.0

I apologize unreservedly, it was not my intention to 'upset' you, for want of a better word (I know I haven't really upset you!). But you have upset UKWoman and perhaps an apology from you wouldn't come amiss?  :) :)

Regards Margaret
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Thursday 14 June 18 15:59 BST (UK)
Hello folks,

Let's steer back to the OP. I was going to give an update.

But first - UKWoman I am sorry that your first foray into RootsChat has been negative, but I am glad to hear that you will be staying around - research of this nature is really sensitive and emotive and I have found it a supportive and encouraging forum for discussion and advice, so don't be put off.

I made contact with my DNA match as planned with quite a full account of how we may be related (as I thought I had one shot at this) and she came back to me after a few days; she responded positively and said to leave it with her.  It is such an important and (probably) contentious matter and after a while I started to worry as she hadn't come back to me. After a couple of weeks of turning things over in my mind, I made the decision to make contact with the man who I believe is my half-brother (pm over social media). His response was, actually, calm and measured - shocked - but friendly and positive.  It is very early days and I have no real expectations (if that makes sense? If not, well... there it is), but I wanted to make the connection with him. I am waiting for him to come back to me - it has only been 2 days since I made contact so am not without hope yet.  It is a lot to take in, for both of us actually, although I appreciate that I knew this might come one day and he didn't.

UKWoman, as to your situation, I have the same concerns as I have no wish to upset the mother of the sons (my half-siblings) in all this; none of this is her fault, or theirs for that matter - or mine! I decided to contact the eldest son because I felt that was the best way to contain things - I felt it best to leave any dissemination of this information at his discretion.  On the other hand, my feelings are valid and just and I have a need to make contact.  Having carried the weight of such a burden for so long I do feel justified in doing so.

I hope this makes sense; I am waiting for news and will update when I have anything to report.  Good luck UKWoman with your enquiries, do let us know how you get on.

Amanda
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 16:06 BST (UK)
Thank you Amanda.

I am really glad you made contact and wish you all the very best in your dealings with them - hopefully when it sinks in what you have said to them, and they have got over the shock then all will be fine. I do hope so, let us all know!

Thanks for your kind words about my own particular situation.... much appreciated.  I will certainly let you know on here if and when there are more developments. Got to pluck up the courage to contact them first, LOL!
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Thursday 14 June 18 16:08 BST (UK)
Welcome to Rootschat UKWoman.

If I were in your position I would initially send an email to your sisters without disclosing the relationship. Something along the lines of Ancestry DNA has shown a match and see if you get a reply and you can then take it slowly from there.

Just wanted to add: this is roughly the approach I took when messaging my (probable) half-sibling; I did mention the DNA match but did also say that we may be half siblings. It wasn't a long message but contained the salient points.

As I said, it did take me a couple of weeks to feel the time was right to make contact (gut feeling!).

Best of luck UKWoman!
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: davidft on Thursday 14 June 18 16:08 BST (UK)
Hello folks,

Wow, you could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife! This thread has turned really unpleasant... davidft for all your talk of other people derailing posts, you seem to be quite good at it :)!


Its very simple if UKWoman had not posted incorrect information I would not have responded. If she had not responded to my post the conversation would have stopped there you would not have had two pages of people sticking their all in inflaming the situation.

IMO your ire is directed at the wrong person and I am sorry your thread has been derailed, having had it happen to me I know it can be infuriating
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: UKWoman on Thursday 14 June 18 16:10 BST (UK)
Thanks, Amon000.
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Thursday 14 June 18 16:50 BST (UK)
Hi davidft, thank you for your response.

From what I can see on the thread, seen in the round, UKWoman would be safe in her assumptions, given that the autosomal DNA results show a familial relationship thus allowing her to fill in the blanks using other methods (looking at family tree/records, etc.). Of course, to be absolutely certain, a paternity test would be necessary, however, the father would need to be living, so not much use to UKWoman (or to me, for that matter) as it could not be practically applied in this case. Also, there are other ways to establish a relationship, otherwise how did we do it before DNA testing? 

Just for clarity, please be assured, it is not ire, just incredulity. 
Title: Re: Re: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: Mart 'n' Al on Thursday 14 June 18 16:58 BST (UK)
amon000, I think the right approach is try and imagine yourself if the roles were reversed.  Try and imagine how you would feel at this sort of unexpected news.  I know I don't have any unknown offspring, so any newcomer to my extended family would be welcome as long as we had the same life values and ideals.

Martin
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: sarah on Thursday 14 June 18 17:24 BST (UK)
I have just edited this topic because some unpleasant things had been said and this had sent the thread off topic. I am very sorry that a new member has not had the usual friendly welcome from everyone.

I hope that the thread can now continue to helpful to Amanda and everyone else who is following with interest.

Regards

Sarah
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Thursday 14 June 18 18:06 BST (UK)
Hello again Martin,

You are right, I have certainly kept this at the forefront of my mind - I recall another post to this thread saying a similar thing before I made contact. It is such a sensitive subject but one which many of us are faced with, it seems. I suppose as more people do the test, so more incidences of this will come to light (though not with you ;)).

Many thanks. 
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Sunday 30 September 18 15:00 BST (UK)
Hello all,

Just a quick update to say all is well and that one of my half siblings and I have now met. A DNA test was done to confirm our suspicions (based on my knowledge of events) and it was as I suspected. Consequently, he and my father’s side of the family have been very welcoming and, for those I haven’t yet met, have been kind enough to make contact with me, make available many photographs and offer to fill in any blanks as regards questions I may have. I will soon meet another of my half siblings and am very much looking forward to that. It is all early days but I feel very positive and (oddly) complete now that I know more about the wider family. I only say oddly because I have only met one of them at this stage; we are taking things slowly, understandably after this revelation!

Anyway, all told so far, I think that this experience has turned out successfully so I just wanted to let you all know.

Many thanks for all your help and your input in getting this far!
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: dowdstree on Sunday 30 September 18 15:12 BST (UK)
I am so happy for you and wish you many years of getting to know your siblings and new family.

As you say take things slowly and carefully as it is a big step all round. Nothing should be rushed.

Good luck for the future

Dorrie

Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Sunday 30 September 18 15:29 BST (UK)
Thank you Dorrie 😄
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: trish1120 on Sunday 30 September 18 16:47 BST (UK)
How wonderful for you that things have turned out so positively. Good luck for the future :)
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Sunday 30 September 18 17:34 BST (UK)
Thank you trish1120 😄
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: Billyblue on Monday 01 October 18 13:22 BST (UK)
Hello all,

Just a quick update to say all is well and that one of my half siblings and I have now met. A DNA test was done to confirm our suspicions (based on my knowledge of events) and it was as I suspected. Consequently, he and my father’s side of the family have been very welcoming and, for those I haven’t yet met, have been kind enough to make contact with me, make available many photographs and offer to fill in any blanks as regards questions I may have. I will soon meet another of my half siblings and am very much looking forward to that. It is all early days but I feel very positive and (oddly) complete now that I know more about the wider family. I only say oddly because I have only met one of them at this stage; we are taking things slowly, understandably after this revelation!

Anyway, all told so far, I think that this experience has turned out successfully so I just wanted to let you all know.
Many thanks for all your help and your input in getting this far!

Fantastic!!   SO pleased for you   :)  :)  :)

Dawn M
Title: Re: Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?
Post by: amon000 on Monday 01 October 18 14:28 BST (UK)
Thanks Billyblue 😄