Adoption Etiquette/Protocol

[Riddlebrick]

I have been asked to help a friend find their birth parent(s) which I have done on paper. I have their current address etc but haven't passed this on.  I know they want to contact their birth mother but I do not know the Etiquette/Protocol that should be followed when an adoptive child wants to contact their biological parent(s)

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Many Thanks

Riddlebrick

[whiteout7]

I would suggest a private letter with a signature required on delivery as the birth mothers current family may not know and she may want to think about if she wants contact.

Include your persons contact details.

Do not give your person the birth mothers address for now and wait for a reply.

Unfortunately you can't rush in ...

[jaybelnz]

Perhaps it might be an idea for you and your friend to go to your local Salvation Army with your information and query!  I'm sure they'll have some good proven ways of approaching the Mum, without having to involve other family at this stage, there's also a risk that even with a signature required, someone other than the mother may sign for it and then open the letter.  If I was the mother, I would certainly not be happy if someone else opened a letter addressed to me, especially considering the very personal contents of this particular letter.

[mirl]

http://www.lookupuk.com/adoptee.html

https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register

You just need to make sure what your doing is legal.  I have also been doing this for a cousin in the UK and I am pretty sure that if the adoption was pre-1975 the birth parents were guaranteed anonymity so you have to go through official channels.

[AntonyMMM]

I would suggest your friend speaks to the Adoption Services team at their local (usually County) Council and seek their advice on how to make an approach.

I would recommend you make no attempt at contact yourself. These issues can be so sensitive and potentially damaging to families (and your friend) and you can't assume their contact will be welcomed.

I know of a number of cases where the birth family has refused contact with the adoptee, with devastating effects on them. In one case an adoptee even went and hammered on the birth mother's front door - and she refused to open it or speak to them.

[a-l]

The best approach is through an intermediary and AntonyMMM suggests the correct first approach.
The adoption services have the experience in these matters.
I hope your friend is aware of the fact that the end result is not a guaranteed happy ending. I wish you and your friend good luck and hope it turns out well.

[[Ray]]

Hi

With respect, the first thing to do is to get someone else ( with experience ) to review what you have found and to ensure that your "solution" is correct.

Once you have the pack of information properly presented
( typed up, spelling correct, references included ),
then approach an intermediary, and review it with them.

Discuss with your friend.

Read this . . . . .
www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/help/database

Ray
 

[CarolA3]

The Salvation Army was mentioned earlier, but they've always said they are not able to help when there's been an adoption.

I would follow the advice given by AntonyMMM.

Carol

[dawnsh]

Hi Riddlebrick

Lots of wise words here, but you will also find topics on RC where direct approaches have successfully been made.

Before your friend goes ahead, they should obtain their adoption file from the GRO if they haven't done so already

https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records

Depending on the date of adoption (pre or post 1975) an interview may be required.

We can all give our views and suggestions here but I don't believe any of us are trained counsellors and an adoption out of the birth family in any era might have been really traumatic. The adoption file should explain the reasons why, and may guide your friend on taking their decision to make contact in another direction.