Author Topic: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''  (Read 5505 times)

Offline Intevel

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My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« on: Friday 09 March 18 07:18 GMT (UK) »
For some reason I'm offended. My cousin and I started hanging out several times a week for the last few months. We are in our 30s. He is my 2nd cousin one removed and we never talked to each other much as kids. But recently we have gotten together and our families have a couple of times. It's been really cool. We even watched family videos. I thought we were coming together. My goal is to get to know more people that are in the family line.

But when he introduced me to his friend, he said ''By the way.... Can you believe we are related? Well ''sort of....'' Isn't that crazy? How are we related again? Is it my great grandma's cousin or something like that? Or my grandpa?''

And he always tells people we are related, even people that we just met. And they ask how we're related and he always forgets how and he starts trying to explain it and it looks silly.

I am offended that he called me his ''Sort of'' relative. The way he said ''Sort of'' sounded like we have nothing to do with each other. Should I call him my ''sort of'' friend? He always wants to hang out with me. But I think he thinks of me more as his buddy. Loves to talk about girls. Any advice? I don't like to be looked at his ''kind of'' relative.

I have other 2nd cousins that I have known for a long time. I would never refer to them as my ''sort of'' relative. Heck, even people not related refer to each as just cousins. When you say ''sort of'' people look at us as weird and he can't even explain the tree, which is annoying since I showed him the tree many times and it's actually quite simple. Only hard if you make it hard.

How should I bring this up to him? I've never felt so offended by being labeled by a relative.


Online jim1

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #1 on: Friday 09 March 18 10:43 GMT (UK) »
I wouldn't get offended by it.
My wife is close to he 2nd. half-cousin once removed. To them they're just cousins but I often refer to her as the barely related relative. It's all taken in good humour.
It can be difficult for non genealogists to get their heads round convoluted relationships.
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Offline Intevel

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #2 on: Friday 09 March 18 10:48 GMT (UK) »
I wouldn't get offended by it.
My wife is close to he 2nd. half-cousin once removed. To them they're just cousins but I often refer to her as the barely related relative. It's all taken in good humour.
It can be difficult for non genealogists to get their heads round convoluted relationships.

I think I'm gonna refer to him as my ''barely'' friend. It's just for fun, goes both ways, for good humor.

Offline Barbara.H

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #3 on: Friday 09 March 18 11:22 GMT (UK) »
Hi and welcome to the forum Intevel,

You have a cousin that's also a buddy? That sounds lovely! As jim1 says, don't get too hung up on a clumsy phrase and risk spoiling a new friendship.
Perhaps you could do a drawing of your family tree and how you are connected for your cousin, then you can laugh over the 'sort-of' thing together.

I once went to a wedding where a branch of the groom's family showed up unexpectedly (a family member had two relationships and two sets of children, not all of whom knew about each other). This could have been awkward, but the groom had the wit to draw a little family tree diagram with names, pinned it to the dining room door next to the eating-seating plan, and it actually worked (he also wrote something like 'meet our lovely family here' or something like that, so people knew to stay happy and not get worried/grumpy/offended etc). Instead of hovering round being unsure, people were going up to their 'new' relatives and introducing themselves quite happily. A picture paints a thousand words! It's actually true  :)

Hope you have many more happy get togethers with your cousin
 :) Barbara
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Offline Jomot

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #4 on: Friday 09 March 18 12:08 GMT (UK) »
I honestly think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.   

My son is good friends with my cousin's granddaughter, they're 2-years apart in age and have known each other from birth.   Despite this they both say they are 'sort of' related as their other friends aren't in the slightest bit interested in the detail of which long-dead ancestor they share - why would they be? 

Neither of them would be able to quote the correct relationship or explain the family tree, but so what - they know they are 'family' and they like & care about each other - surely that's the most important thing? 

Playing devil's advocate, have you considered that he may be offended by your 'nit-picking' of insisting he remember the detail of his kinship to you? 

My advice would be don't bring it up at all & just enjoy the relationship you have now.  Today & tomorrow are far more important than yesterday.
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Offline CarolA3

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #5 on: Friday 09 March 18 12:53 GMT (UK) »
I have five first cousins; the three daughters and two sons of my mother's sister.  We all used to be friendly.  Now one of them doesn't speak to me, and the other four are still fine.  Not sure why he's taken that attitude and I don't really care.  If there's a serious reason, someone will tell me what it is.

People generally grow out of worrying about these minor slights during adolescence.

Carol
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Offline Sloe Gin

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #6 on: Friday 09 March 18 13:01 GMT (UK) »
When mentioning more distant relatives I usually say 'my cousin' for simplicity, as most people aren't interested in the exact details of how we are related.  For instance I will refer to children of my first cousins as "my cousin".  It's simpler.

However if there is likely to be a misapprehension that I am talking about first cousins only, and I don't want to bore people with details, I often say "some sort of cousin".
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Offline jaybelnz

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #7 on: Friday 09 March 18 13:22 GMT (UK) »
My son is married to his second wife, and I call her teenage daughter my "Honorary Granddaughter",  as I do for the wee, now 8 year old identical twin granddaughters of my best friend, who passed away when they were only coming up to 1 year old!  They're all gorgeous and all call me Nanny!
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Online coombs

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Re: My Cousin told his friend We're Related ''Sort Of''
« Reply #8 on: Friday 09 March 18 14:18 GMT (UK) »
I say "distant cousin". It does not matter how far removed it is, you are still related to them. May be distant but still a relative. I helped a family friend do her family tree, found that her great gran came from the same village as my great grandfather, and found we share ancestors from the 1670s.
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