Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?

[UKWoman]

Thank you all for your support.  I was very taken aback at such rudeness and like Gardenshed says, if that is acceptable here it started me thinking, this is not the place to be.

Anyway, it is good to know that is not the general tone of people on this site. Davidft, please do not respond to any of my posts from now on.

My half sisters have not tested for DNA no, well as far as I know they haven't.  I think it would have flagged it up if they had anyway. 

Thanks for all your help and advice, and yes it would be good to hear an update on the original post, from amon000.

[UKWoman]

Thanks to all the folk who have messaged me. Yes, I will be staying around... I won't be put off by one person.  Thank you for all your kind words and support.

[sugarfizzle]

''Ah bless I knew you would be along. Considering what you have posted on some of my posts in the past and how you derailed a thread I started I think your comments are how shall we say, er hypocritical.''

davidft.  I really don't want to fall out with you, or anybody else for that matter.

Your first reply was factual and polite, subsequent posts have been rude and condescending to UKWoman and anyone else who has tried to make her feel welcome.

I don't remember giving any adverse comments on any of your posts before, but I do have a short memory in my old age.

As for derailing, I presume you mean this thread.

http://www.rootschat.com/forum/index.php?topic=794628.0

I apologize unreservedly, it was not my intention to 'upset' you, for want of a better word (I know I haven't really upset you!). But you have upset UKWoman and perhaps an apology from you wouldn't come amiss? 

Regards Margaret

[amon000]

Hello folks,

Let's steer back to the OP. I was going to give an update.

But first - UKWoman I am sorry that your first foray into RootsChat has been negative, but I am glad to hear that you will be staying around - research of this nature is really sensitive and emotive and I have found it a supportive and encouraging forum for discussion and advice, so don't be put off.

I made contact with my DNA match as planned with quite a full account of how we may be related (as I thought I had one shot at this) and she came back to me after a few days; she responded positively and said to leave it with her.  It is such an important and (probably) contentious matter and after a while I started to worry as she hadn't come back to me. After a couple of weeks of turning things over in my mind, I made the decision to make contact with the man who I believe is my half-brother (pm over social media). His response was, actually, calm and measured - shocked - but friendly and positive.  It is very early days and I have no real expectations (if that makes sense? If not, well... there it is), but I wanted to make the connection with him. I am waiting for him to come back to me - it has only been 2 days since I made contact so am not without hope yet.  It is a lot to take in, for both of us actually, although I appreciate that I knew this might come one day and he didn't.

UKWoman, as to your situation, I have the same concerns as I have no wish to upset the mother of the sons (my half-siblings) in all this; none of this is her fault, or theirs for that matter - or mine! I decided to contact the eldest son because I felt that was the best way to contain things - I felt it best to leave any dissemination of this information at his discretion.  On the other hand, my feelings are valid and just and I have a need to make contact.  Having carried the weight of such a burden for so long I do feel justified in doing so.

I hope this makes sense; I am waiting for news and will update when I have anything to report.  Good luck UKWoman with your enquiries, do let us know how you get on.

Amanda

[UKWoman]

Thank you Amanda.

I am really glad you made contact and wish you all the very best in your dealings with them - hopefully when it sinks in what you have said to them, and they have got over the shock then all will be fine. I do hope so, let us all know!

Thanks for your kind words about my own particular situation.... much appreciated.  I will certainly let you know on here if and when there are more developments. Got to pluck up the courage to contact them first, LOL!

[amon000]

Welcome to Rootschat UKWoman.

If I were in your position I would initially send an email to your sisters without disclosing the relationship. Something along the lines of Ancestry DNA has shown a match and see if you get a reply and you can then take it slowly from there.

Just wanted to add: this is roughly the approach I took when messaging my (probable) half-sibling; I did mention the DNA match but did also say that we may be half siblings. It wasn't a long message but contained the salient points.

As I said, it did take me a couple of weeks to feel the time was right to make contact (gut feeling!).

Best of luck UKWoman!

[davidft]

Hello folks,

Wow, you could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife! This thread has turned really unpleasant... davidft for all your talk of other people derailing posts, you seem to be quite good at it !

Its very simple if UKWoman had not posted incorrect information I would not have responded. If she had not responded to my post the conversation would have stopped there you would not have had two pages of people sticking their all in inflaming the situation.

IMO your ire is directed at the wrong person and I am sorry your thread has been derailed, having had it happen to me I know it can be infuriating

[UKWoman]

Thanks, Amon000.

[amon000]

Hi davidft, thank you for your response.

From what I can see on the thread, seen in the round, UKWoman would be safe in her assumptions, given that the autosomal DNA results show a familial relationship thus allowing her to fill in the blanks using other methods (looking at family tree/records, etc.). Of course, to be absolutely certain, a paternity test would be necessary, however, the father would need to be living, so not much use to UKWoman (or to me, for that matter) as it could not be practically applied in this case. Also, there are other ways to establish a relationship, otherwise how did we do it before DNA testing? 

Just for clarity, please be assured, it is not ire, just incredulity.