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General => The Common Room => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: Intevel on Friday 09 March 18 07:18 GMT (UK)
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For some reason I'm offended. My cousin and I started hanging out several times a week for the last few months. We are in our 30s. He is my 2nd cousin one removed and we never talked to each other much as kids. But recently we have gotten together and our families have a couple of times. It's been really cool. We even watched family videos. I thought we were coming together. My goal is to get to know more people that are in the family line.
But when he introduced me to his friend, he said ''By the way.... Can you believe we are related? Well ''sort of....'' Isn't that crazy? How are we related again? Is it my great grandma's cousin or something like that? Or my grandpa?''
And he always tells people we are related, even people that we just met. And they ask how we're related and he always forgets how and he starts trying to explain it and it looks silly.
I am offended that he called me his ''Sort of'' relative. The way he said ''Sort of'' sounded like we have nothing to do with each other. Should I call him my ''sort of'' friend? He always wants to hang out with me. But I think he thinks of me more as his buddy. Loves to talk about girls. Any advice? I don't like to be looked at his ''kind of'' relative.
I have other 2nd cousins that I have known for a long time. I would never refer to them as my ''sort of'' relative. Heck, even people not related refer to each as just cousins. When you say ''sort of'' people look at us as weird and he can't even explain the tree, which is annoying since I showed him the tree many times and it's actually quite simple. Only hard if you make it hard.
How should I bring this up to him? I've never felt so offended by being labeled by a relative.
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I wouldn't get offended by it.
My wife is close to he 2nd. half-cousin once removed. To them they're just cousins but I often refer to her as the barely related relative. It's all taken in good humour.
It can be difficult for non genealogists to get their heads round convoluted relationships.
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I wouldn't get offended by it.
My wife is close to he 2nd. half-cousin once removed. To them they're just cousins but I often refer to her as the barely related relative. It's all taken in good humour.
It can be difficult for non genealogists to get their heads round convoluted relationships.
I think I'm gonna refer to him as my ''barely'' friend. It's just for fun, goes both ways, for good humor.
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Hi and welcome to the forum Intevel,
You have a cousin that's also a buddy? That sounds lovely! As jim1 says, don't get too hung up on a clumsy phrase and risk spoiling a new friendship.
Perhaps you could do a drawing of your family tree and how you are connected for your cousin, then you can laugh over the 'sort-of' thing together.
I once went to a wedding where a branch of the groom's family showed up unexpectedly (a family member had two relationships and two sets of children, not all of whom knew about each other). This could have been awkward, but the groom had the wit to draw a little family tree diagram with names, pinned it to the dining room door next to the eating-seating plan, and it actually worked (he also wrote something like 'meet our lovely family here' or something like that, so people knew to stay happy and not get worried/grumpy/offended etc). Instead of hovering round being unsure, people were going up to their 'new' relatives and introducing themselves quite happily. A picture paints a thousand words! It's actually true :)
Hope you have many more happy get togethers with your cousin
:) Barbara
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I honestly think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
My son is good friends with my cousin's granddaughter, they're 2-years apart in age and have known each other from birth. Despite this they both say they are 'sort of' related as their other friends aren't in the slightest bit interested in the detail of which long-dead ancestor they share - why would they be?
Neither of them would be able to quote the correct relationship or explain the family tree, but so what - they know they are 'family' and they like & care about each other - surely that's the most important thing?
Playing devil's advocate, have you considered that he may be offended by your 'nit-picking' of insisting he remember the detail of his kinship to you?
My advice would be don't bring it up at all & just enjoy the relationship you have now. Today & tomorrow are far more important than yesterday.
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I have five first cousins; the three daughters and two sons of my mother's sister. We all used to be friendly. Now one of them doesn't speak to me, and the other four are still fine. Not sure why he's taken that attitude and I don't really care. If there's a serious reason, someone will tell me what it is.
People generally grow out of worrying about these minor slights during adolescence.
Carol
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When mentioning more distant relatives I usually say 'my cousin' for simplicity, as most people aren't interested in the exact details of how we are related. For instance I will refer to children of my first cousins as "my cousin". It's simpler.
However if there is likely to be a misapprehension that I am talking about first cousins only, and I don't want to bore people with details, I often say "some sort of cousin".
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My son is married to his second wife, and I call her teenage daughter my "Honorary Granddaughter", as I do for the wee, now 8 year old identical twin granddaughters of my best friend, who passed away when they were only coming up to 1 year old! They're all gorgeous and all call me Nanny!
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I say "distant cousin". It does not matter how far removed it is, you are still related to them. May be distant but still a relative. I helped a family friend do her family tree, found that her great gran came from the same village as my great grandfather, and found we share ancestors from the 1670s.
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Maybe it's the "once removed" part of the relationship which confuses him, as it does a lot of people. ??? I once explained it to a 1st cousin of mine. I agree with jim1 in Reply #1, if you're friends as well then why not simplify social occasions by introducing each other as "my cousin". If people want and are interested enough in how you're related, then you could explain it very briefly, without boring the listener(s). Some people don't understand rules of a sport or maths or engineering or music. Some may not be able to visualise a family tree. Your cousin's brain may be differently wired to yours. Just be glad you get on and you've made a new friend. After all we can't choose our relatives. Your cousin may rate your friendship more highly than the details of your relationship. It sounds as if he appreciates you for yourself, not just for your genetic connection. Turning this on its' head, have you considered that, in these social occasions he's providing you with a conversational opportunity on a topic about which you know more than him?
If you'd lived in olden days you could have called each other "coz" without explaining to everyone how you were related. It may be time to resurrect the term! ;D
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I use the same term, "cousin" in everyday day speech both for my "real" cousins, and for the ones who are actually my late mother's cousins, but actually I know them far better. Their mothers were both younger sisters of my mother's mother.
And they're good, valued, close friends, as well! Bonus.
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It would actually be nice for me to have cousins :) I'm an only child, of only-child parents :'( :'(
I have discovered second-cousins though, thanks to family history research ;D
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Hi and welcome to the forum Intevel,
You have a cousin that's also a buddy? That sounds lovely! As jim1 says, don't get too hung up on a clumsy phrase and risk spoiling a new friendship.
Perhaps you could do a drawing of your family tree and how you are connected for your cousin, then you can laugh over the 'sort-of' thing together.
I once went to a wedding where a branch of the groom's family showed up unexpectedly (a family member had two relationships and two sets of children, not all of whom knew about each other). This could have been awkward, but the groom had the wit to draw a little family tree diagram with names, pinned it to the dining room door next to the eating-seating plan, and it actually worked (he also wrote something like 'meet our lovely family here' or something like that, so people knew to stay happy and not get worried/grumpy/offended etc). Instead of hovering round being unsure, people were going up to their 'new' relatives and introducing themselves quite happily. A picture paints a thousand words! It's actually true :)
Hope you have many more happy get togethers with your cousin
:) Barbara
Barbara you sound nice. What is the best way I can kindly let him know my feelings?
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My advice is the same as everyone else's in that you should try not to let it irritate you.
I recognise the phrase you quoted; as that's the phrase used by my father on a couple of occasions when I asked him who he'd been speaking to and all I got was "Some sort of relative of your mother's".
From this distance we don't know if your relative is wanting attention from his pals and/or finding pleasure in giving the impression he has a mystery in the family. We're all different but my response would be to laugh it off and say we share the same common ancestor.
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we don't know if your relative is wanting attention from his pals and/or finding pleasure in giving the impression he has a mystery in the family. We're all different but my response would be to laugh it off and say we share the same common ancestor.
Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
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we don't know if your relative is wanting attention from his pals and/or finding pleasure in giving the impression he has a mystery in the family. We're all different but my response would be to laugh it off and say we share the same common ancestor.
Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
I don't see it that way. To me, it seems he doesn't have the words to express/explain the relationship. I'm from a seaport and here's my take. We have to accept that amongst our friends and family there are some who have their hand on the tiller and have charge of the boat and others who allow the current to take them wherever it wanders. If you value the friendship - I wouldn't rock the boat.
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Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
Frankly Intevel, I can't see why you are letting it bother you enough to start several threads about the same thing. If he doesn't want to acknowledge you as a relation that's his loss. Next time he says, "Well, sort of" challenge him and ask him what he means, you are either related or you aren't. Perhaps make a joke and ask him if he is ashamed to be related to your family. Take control of the situation if it worries you that much.
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Or don’t choose him as a friend.
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Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
Give us a clue! - for heaven's sake - GROW UP - how old are you? I'm assuming you are an adult! :-\ :-*
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Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
Give us a clue! - for heaven's sake - GROW UP - how old are you? I'm assuming you are an adult! :-\ :-*
What are you talking about??
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Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
Give us a clue! - for heaven's sake - GROW UP - how old are you? I'm assuming you are an adult! :-\ :-*
The poster has volunteered they're both in their 30s.
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What's that got to do with "ATTITUDES"
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Yes he does want attention. He always says ''Guess what folks...... Can you believe that me and him are actually related?'' But when he says ''well sort of'' that is when I feel he is putting me down.
I would be pleased that you are being introduced to folks, people have different ways of putting things in words, as to how we would say them, and not everyone is into Genealogy, so I wouldn't have thought it as being belittled. I have a "well sort of cousin" on here .... :D
Cheers
KHP
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I expect that Inteval is winding us all up. ;D
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll
;D ;D ;D
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It did cross my mind if it was a wind up, but gave them the benefit of the doubt ;D
Cheers
KHP
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Barbara you sound nice. What is the best way I can kindly let him know my feelings?
Thank you, and sorry for not replying earlier. I have been reading the thread but on my phone, and I don't like typing a lot on my phone.
You say "...when he says 'well sort of' that is when I feel he is putting me down."
I think the key thing there is you feel he is putting you down. You respond that way to his words, but he doesn't necessarily mean to make you feel that way. I think you know this because you want to 'kindly' let him know your feelings and not upset him. If you really thought he was just being rude, you could just come out and say so.
Have you considered that in saying '... this is my cousin - sort of..' he's actually putting himself down, not you? Because he knows he's just about to make a mess - again! - of explaining the whole second cousin thing? So he's actually being a bit self-deprecating and is hoping you'll help him out again because he still hasn't got the hang of it.
I know you've said "he can't even explain the tree, which is annoying since I showed him the tree many times and it's actually quite simple" but as others here have pointed out, many of us have the same difficulty. After 10 years doing my family tree, I still need to look at a chart to work out the whole cousin thing. So even though it's annoying to you, if he's a good friend in other ways I think you should be kind and give him a bit more time. Next time he refers to you as 'my cousin, sort of..' just say (with a smile) 'we're not sort-of-cousins, we're second cousins because our grandparents were siblings - I'm going to get it put on a t-shirt for him one day'
You could even literally get it put on a t-shirt and give it to him for a present!
:) Barbara
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What is under the next bridge I wonder ??? said Billy
xin ??? ::)
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What is under the next bridge I wonder ??? said Billy
xin ??? ::)
;D
Would that be the River of Questions ....
(wrote flag-waving JM to Xin) :)
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I can't make up my mind whether it's a fat slob with nothing better to do or a skinny uni undergraduate looking for some fun, fun, fun ::)
Come on, this is Rootschat not Facebook. When did we start dishing out insults like that? How many threads do we get on TOTB bemoaning the loss of 'manners' and how they 'cost nothing'? This is supposed to be a friendly forum ???
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Well said, Barbara...
People have different ways of looking at situations and relating to other people. Some have an easy time of it but for some it's puzzling and painful. Thank your lucky stars if you can negotiate personal & social interactions with relative ease.
Too easy to dismiss awkwardness as trolling, which is a different thing altogether.
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The OP has everyone's thoughts now, so maybe the thread should be locked?
If the OP would like help with their family history research then I am sure they will plenty if they post their questions on the appropriate board.
Good luck with your research Inteval.
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The OP has everyone's thoughts now, so maybe the thread should be locked?
If the OP would like help with their family history reseach then I am sure they will get a lot of help if they post their questions on the appropriate board.
Good luck with your research Inteval.
It is genuine and I'm telling you that it is. I am doing my research and there has been research done by previous ancestors. But the point is that I want him to look at me as a cousin. He looks at me as his buddy/kinda cousin.
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I agree with Ruskie ....
Thread should be locked.
JM ADD ... r2m 4:25pm NSW daylight savings time.
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Hi Intevel,
There is a well known saying: "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives."
Relatives are people, just like non-relatives
- Some we like better than others,
- some we get on with better than others
but... we can't force them to think like we do - that's life !
regards,
Bob
This topic has now been locked.