RootsChat.Com
General => The Common Room => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: zetlander on Wednesday 08 July 20 16:46 BST (UK)
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a friend adopted at birth - married and adopted two children. She has no blood relatives. I wonder how unusual this is?
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None that she knows or knows of.....but no that is an unusual situation.
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None that she knows or knows of.....but no that is an unusual situation.
that's right -
knows her birth name and place of birth but she promised the parents (now deceased) who adopted her she wouldn't go looking for her birth family. I get the feeling she'd very much like to trace her birth family but with respect to the parents who adopted her she isn't doing any searching.
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Good for her, to resist that temptation out of respect & love.
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Don't know the precise circumstances, of course, and the conversation which was had with the adoptive parents, but I think I might wonder if the adoptive parents knew some details about the biological parents/mother which they felt they wanted to protect their daughter from.
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Of course we should respect whatever the OP's friend decides to do but just to say my great grandmother was adopted and I have both her biological and adoptive families on my tree.
(As a bonus I now have DNA matches to her biological family proving the christening record that named both unmarried parents all those years ago was correct).
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a friend adopted at birth - married and adopted two children. She has no blood relatives. I wonder how unusual this is?
What do you mean? How does she know she has no blood relatives if she has decided not to trace them?
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Don't know the precise circumstances, of course, and the conversation which was had with the adoptive parents, but I think I might wonder if the adoptive parents knew some details about the biological parents/mother which they felt they wanted to protect their daughter from.
I think you may be right - my friend was born in London and within a day or two was moved to a Children's Home in the North East - she also hinted that her birth mother was a very young girl - so the parents who adopted her may well have been hoping to protect her from information which may have been distressing??
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I agree, they must have had a very good reason for asking her to respect their wishes. The truth may have far reaching effects for her future happiness. If her birth Mother really wants to find her Daughter that's a diffferent mattter, then it would be her choice as to whether or not she agrees to see her. She wouldn't be breaking her promise then.
Carol
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This thought may be way off, but if the birth mother was very young, and the adoptive parents were insistent that your friend does not try to trace the birth mother, the first thing that comes to mind is that the adoptive parents may have been her grandparents. Did your friend have an older sister?
I feel by making your friend promise not to trace her birth parents, that might lead her to being even more curious.
There are a couple of ways to view this. Yes, your friend wants to keep her promise to her adoptive parents which is commendable, but also was it right that her adoptive parents made her make this promise in the first place? Presumably it was some years ago, and it would have been a different era with different morals and expectations, so understandable, but still very hard for your friend who probably needs to consider her own wishes as well. Yes, they may have been trying to protect her from something, especially while she was young, but for some people finding out the truth understandably can become an obsession especially as they get older. If your friend is curious about her birth family I don’t know that she should deny herself trying to find the answers she is looking for, though she should be aware that she may not like what she finds. :-\ Some people are prepared to take that risk nevertheless.
It could be that no one would bat an eyelid today whatever the story behind this is. I’m sure many of us have similar secrets in our families which we think nothing of but which would have been shameful a couple of generations ago.
In commencing any such search, it may be significant how long ago her adoptive parents died and whether or not she has other siblings or extended family who may not approve if they were aware of what she was doing (and of course she can choose whether or not to tell them - after all, this is her personal journey).
Interesting dilemma - I’m sure we all have different opinions, but in the end it is her family and their promise (or secret) so your friend needs to do whatever she thinks is right. As already suggested, if she is interested in tracing her family history maybe tracing both adoptive and birth families might ease any guilt she may have for perusing this.
I hope she feels comfortable with whatever decision she makes. Good luck to her. :)
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It is a dilemma, and one which only the adopted person herself can decide, and I too wish her the best in making the decision.
Whilst Ruskie is right that there are a number of circumstances in which conception and birth might take place which were 'unacceptable' in previous times, and not so reprehensible now, I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking of others - which I won't specify here - which would be more disturbing to the child finding out.
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In my opinion as an adoptee her Parents were wrong to make her promise not to search for her Parents and family.
In my view she kept the promise whilst they were alive now she is free to do as she wishes.
Yes there could be a good reason that they did that, however it could be that they thought they would be replaced. Simple as that.
Whatever your friend decides I wish her good luck.
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I agree with a-l, It should be her decision as to what she does about it.
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My mother was unofficially adopted by relatives of her birth parents who had no children of their own. She was the youngest of seven children when she was born in 1901 and her father died in 1903, I am unable to find out whether she was 'adopted' in 1901 or 1903 and there doesn't appear to be a baptism record for her which I thought might help. I have already asked the good people of Rootschat for help in the search.
She always knew who her birth family were, but in the 1911 census her adoptive parents show her their adopted daughter, and I always knew her with their surname. However when she married she is shown on the marriage certificate by her birth family name and again when she died.
It was only when I saw her death certificate that I learnt her real name and I have since traced all the family and now know who my grandparents were on my mothers side.