Author Topic: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy  (Read 10617 times)

Offline Rishile

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Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« on: Sunday 21 July 13 11:37 BST (UK) »
I am now 98% certain I have found a half-brother that I have never met.

I am now 85% certain I want to contact him.

But... it's so hard to know what to say.

Dear X - Hi, This may come as a surprise but I think I'm your half-sister

Dear X - Hi,  My father's name was YY - I believe your father's name was also YY

Dear X - Hi,  My mother told me I had a half-brother and I think I'm certain it may be you.

Dear X - Hi, My father talked about you all the time and never forgot you (a complete lie!!).  He was a wonderful man (Hmm) and would have married your mother if my mother had let him have a divorce (probably true).

So, what do you say?  What if I write to him and he doesn't reply?  What if I write to him and he does reply?  What if he wants to meet me?  What if he doesn't want to meet me?  What happens if I meet him and don't  like him (it wouldn't be the first person in my family I don't like).  Do I put this on the back-burner and think about it for another few years?

How do you deal with this?  Has anyone done this and what were the results?

 ??? ??? ???

Rishile
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Offline gaffy

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #1 on: Sunday 21 July 13 11:56 BST (UK) »
Rishile, contact him, as far as I'm concerned there isn't an inside track or some special wisdom on this, all I would say is that what you don't know, you don't know. Good luck and listen to the other posters to gain a balanced view.
 

Offline Billyblue

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #2 on: Sunday 21 July 13 12:13 BST (UK) »
Rishile, in the words of an advertising jingle - if you never never go there, you'll never ever know.

The first meeting will no doubt be a bit fragile, like an adoptee meeting their birth parent.
Why don't you contact him saying you believe you have mutual relatives, without saying just what, and when you meet him you'll soon work out what to say and when to say it.
But as you say, be prepared for him not to want to know, too.  This may just be an initial reaction from him - the great unknown, sort of thing.  And later, hopefully, it will all work out.

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Offline weste

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #3 on: Sunday 21 July 13 12:14 BST (UK) »
Contact as you will always wonder what if ?


Offline groom

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #4 on: Sunday 21 July 13 12:47 BST (UK) »
A lot may depend on whether or not he already knows that he has a half sister or whether it comes as a complete surprise to him. If it is the former, he may have already been looking for you or his father. If the latter it might take him some time to adjust to the news, especially if he was brought up as another man's son.

I think I would write to him rather than telephone contact, to give him time to decide what to do. All you can do then is hope that he wants to make contact. Hopefully you will then find a whole new set of relations complete with nieces and nephews. Good luck, I hope it works out well.
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Offline BumbleB

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #5 on: Sunday 21 July 13 13:04 BST (UK) »
When I've tried to make contact with relatives, I've always enclosed a stamped addressed envelope and asked them to return the envelope - empty - in the event that they don't want to make contact.  I've never yet received an empty envelope  ;D ;D

Go for it - if you don't ask the question, you'll never receive an answer!!!  And GOOD LUCK.
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Offline Rishile

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #6 on: Sunday 21 July 13 20:09 BST (UK) »
Thank you for all the advice.  I particularly like the idea of the SAE and return it empty if they are not interested.

I have no idea if he knows about me as my father never spoke about him and I only found out about him from my mother just before I married.

You are all right - if I don't contact him, I'll never know.

But, boy, it's scary.

Rishile
Stoneham - Kent / Essex / Herts / Bucks / Devon
Pike - Kent
Pay - Kent
Swan/Swaine - Herts / London
Bissenden - Kent
Chappell - Herts
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Offline Annie65115

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #7 on: Sunday 21 July 13 20:48 BST (UK) »
I've not been in this situation myself (on either side) but I have a bit of "proxy" experience.

From my doing a friend's tree, I was then contacted by a 1/2 sister that she knew nothing about.The new 1/2 sister did know (obvs!) about my friend and other family members, but with a relatively common surname involved, hadn't known how to track them down. It came to me to break the news to my friend and various members of her family have reacted in very different ways, positive and negative.

I think it can be very difficult - the person who makes the contact may have known and been thinking about it for a long time. They may feel they have a lot to say and/or ask. The person who is contacted, on the other hand, may know nothing of this; they may experience it as a bolt out of the blue. They may be very upset to discover that their family and world view is not what they had always thought it to be. And the person making contact can be quite upset if friendly overtures are not reciprocated, especially if they have been psyching themselves up for a while to make contact!

I'd say - contact if you feel you need to. But be very careful and gentle about how you do so, be prepared for the possibility of rejection, and be prepared to pull back again at any time if feelings (yours or theirs) seem to make it necessary. And remember, the other person's view of your shared family members may be unrecognisable to you!
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Offline larkspur

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Re: Nicky and Davina make it look so easy
« Reply #8 on: Monday 22 July 13 11:25 BST (UK) »
I would write to him, with a SAE as Bumble suggests. But I would just say " I am the daughter of XX and believe we are related" If he knows of his biological father he will recognise the name, if not, you may get the chance to correspond or set up a meeting. Best of luck. ;)
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