Relative won't help me

[dawnsh]

Guy

The request to Fleur is even more curious. Whoever asked Fleur to get hold of divorce papers knew that they were from the Central Family Court @ £65 each.

I don't know anything about divorce, but I guess from the costs you quoted that £45 covers a search through ordinary court papers, so £65 for Central Family Court must mean there were children and perhaps a custody battle involved.

If you apply to HMCTS for a decree absolute search, it will cost £65 for a 10 year search.

Regardless of the date, historic or otherwise, of the decree, all you'll get for that £65 is a copy of the decree which names the parties, the date and place of their marriage and the date and court when the dercree nisi was made absolute.

You don't get any case papers even with really historic search applications.

You are applying for a copy of the Decree Absolute not the stuff that goes with it.

https://www.gov.uk/copy-decree-absolute-final-order

You would be amazed at the number of people who do not retain their decrees once they have 'moved on' with their lives, and when asked to produce them can't, neither can they remember the court or dates.

[Ancestry Addicted]

Hi,

I will clarify: I don't already have these things that they want. If I did, then I would have gladly given them the details.

Maybe I do not have the right to feel duped, but it's purely because the person said all along that they would give me info in return for me giving them info. I even gave them photographs of people who are now deceased.

If the person had said from the get go, "I want information from you but am not happy to share my own research with you", for whatever reason, then I wouldn't be as annoyed as I am now.

[Treetotal]

So sad to hear that you have had a bad experience but sadly, you are not alone....I think there are many of us who have  been trusting enough to share our research and documents only to find that the recipient has not returned the compliment. Learn from it and move on. Be more cautious in the future and offer a little info and wait for them to share what they have before giving them anything else.
Carol

[groom]

I agree Carol, the best thing is to drip feed - give them a tiny bit and ask for clarification of something in return. That way you soon realise if they are genuine or just trying to get information without giving.

However in Fleur's example, it does seem odd - why would anyone be that worried about seeing divorce information, rather than just take her word for it? If someone told me about a divorce, I wouldn't then expect them to produce the documents to prove it, I would get them myself if I was that bothered.

[arthurk]

I appreciate that under the T&Cs quoted here Curious Fox do not monitor content posted to their site, and presumably, still less emails between members. Nevertheless, the site has facilitated a contact between members, an agreement was made to exchange information, and one party, having already received information for nothing, has now unilaterally demanded expensive documents before divulging the information that they hold.

The fact that this unreasonable behaviour has now been made public, together with the name of the site concerned, may mean that the site owners would consider imposing some kind of sanctions on the offending party. The T&Cs do mention commercial activity and payments - also annoying other members - so I think it's certainly worth bringing it to their attention.

Arthur

[Ancestry Addicted]

I agree Carol, the best thing is to drip feed - give them a tiny bit and ask for clarification of something in return. That way you soon realise if they are genuine or just trying to get information without giving.

However in Fleur's example, it does seem odd - why would anyone be that worried about seeing divorce information, rather than just take her word for it? If someone told me about a divorce, I wouldn't then expect them to produce the documents to prove it, I would get them myself if I was that bothered.

Hello!

The person in question was aware before speaking to me that our mutual relative has been married three times and divorced three times. The person had a rough idea of our relative's divorce dates. When they asked me if the dates seem correct I responded in the affirmative and they then said that they won't show me their tree until I get the decrees and the precise dates. They said to me that they need these dates for their tree and that they don't want to show it to me until they have them as their tree is not complete until they do.

They also said that they have contacted said relative in regards to their divorces and that our relative ignored their letter and a few weeks later hung (hanged?) up on their unwelcome telephone call.

This doesn't surprise me as apparently they started the telephone call not with an introduction, but with, "hi, I'm doing a family tree - can you please confirm that names of your three husbands and the dates when you divorced them?".

Thank you for all the good advice.

Fleur xxxx

[Rosinish]

Fortune hunter had also crossed my mind

I have never heard that expression, can someone tell me what it means please?

Annie

[groom]

The person had a rough idea of our relative's divorce dates. When they asked me if the dates seem correct I responded in the affirmative and they then said that they won't show me their tree until I get the decrees and the precise dates. They said to me that they need these dates for their tree and that they don't want to show it to me until they have them as their tree is not complete until they do.

I'm sorry, but that sounds very fishy to me, why should it be up to you to get the decrees, if they feel it is so important to have the correct dates, let them send for them.

I don't know how close you are to the living relative, but they may not be very happy to have personal information passed on, especially as they have ignored letters from the person. If I were you I'd tell the person that you want nothing more to do with them and that you will not be giving them anymore information. I would also contact your relative and tell them that you have been approached, just so that they are aware.

[Josephine]

I've become very careful about "off the cuff" comments about distant relatives because I've sometimes found these comments/facts on a public tree quicker than you can say boo.   

This has happened to me and I've seen it in other cases as well.

As a result, whenever someone contacts me and asks for info, I always ask first if they would please promise not to publish my emails anywhere. Data is one thing; once shared, it's theirs to put online to their heart's delight, but it's awful to find one's comments cut and pasted online or -- as happened with one of my extensive trees -- offered on CDs for complete strangers by a complete stranger (I didn't share my research with him, another cousin was extremely generous with my research.)

It was, and is still, a bitter pill to swallow.

Regards,
Josephine