Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?

[amon000]

Hello all,

I believe I have found my biological father through Ancestry DNA and have spent the intervening weeks researching the details and ordering certificates from GRO to verify facts as much as I can at this stage.  I only knew a few details about him (including his name) and it all adds up so far.  I haven't yet approached my AncestryDNA match, who is his maternal cousin.  As someone who has been wondering about the other 'half' of my identity for the last 40 years, this is a really big deal and I don't want to rush in and blow it by approaching it in the wrong way.  I suppose I am looking at how best to proceed.

The sting in the tail, at the outset, is that I discovered my father passed away in 2012 and it was only because he was deceased that his details (and, amazingly, his photograph!) were available for me to see through a match with his nephew's Ancestry tree. 

All I had ever wanted was to know who he was, where he was from, what he looked like and if he had any health-related conditions which may affect my children; I know most of this information now and feel as though I should leave it at that as I have achieved what I wanted to achieve.  However, what I didn't know was that it appears I have 3 half-brothers and it is this which is making me wonder if I should attempt to contact them.  They were all born after me and to a new wife, so I don't think their father's relationship with my mum is directly linked to them or their mother (who was 16 when I was born. He wasn't married to her then, though reportedly he was married to someone else - I am trying to locate this marriage but there are several possibilities and I have certificates on order).

Has anyone else found themselves in this position?  I would be interested to hear of any experiences; I have found the 3 sons on social media but am very wary of plunging straight in.  Of course, I am also at the mercy of the dreaded AncestryDNA match who might not even reply to an email from me, let alone if I reveal how I think we might be related.   

Any ideas as to how to approach would be most welcome. Many thanks.

[Mart 'n' Al]

Amon, 3 years ago I was contacted by a cousin who I didn't know existed, who found various significant names on my web site.  (It seems that our granny was a 'bit of a lad'.)  I was delighted to hear from her and we have been in almost daily contact (London & Melbourne) ever since.  I hope to finally meet her next month.  My brother, however, has shown no interest.  I think you can expect somewhere in between, and a load of back Christmas cards!  I think you should just be yourself, but make sure however you make contact, that it doesn't sound like a scam.  It might come as a shock.  It did for me.  Keep me informed, please.

Martin

[amon000]

Martin,

Thank you for your reply. I hope my experience is like yours, i.e. a positive one, though at the back of my mind I am dreading a negative reaction, or silence.  I think just being yourself in emails is sound advice - I will keep you informed when I have taken the plunge. I'll work on something and then stick it in an email when I feel sufficiently steeled to hit 'Send'. 

Thanks for the encouragement, really appreciated!

Amanda

[Finley 1]

By now you will have, like most of us watched the progs on tele about long lost Dads- Mums etc.. so you will see how variable the results are..  At the first point of contact all seems wonderful, but then some they have gone back to and      things had  not turned out so well.

It is a difficult thing to offer advice on.     
I would go for it.. and take my chances -  BUT make sure you are well prepared for all endings.. xxx   all the best

Xin

[Billyblue]

Amanda, as others have said, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

One approach I have seen, by Jigsaw which is an Australian agency uniting adopted persons and birth parents, is something like "Mary Jane thinks you and she met xx years ago at yyy.  She would like to get in touch again.  Please think about this and let us know how if you would like to meet / correspond with her."    You could change this around to suit your own circumstances, of course.

Good luck   

Dawn M

[amon000]

Thanks all for your responses.  I think I am going to email the AncestryDNA match to see if she replies, just outlining some general details about how I think we might be related and see where that leads. I'm not sure how prepared one can be for all eventualities but if I dip my toe in, maybe she will be able to make discreet enquiries with his sons and, if they are horrified, I'll leave well alone.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Many thanks,

Amanda

[sugarfizzle]

It is difficult to advise you as to how to proceed, but my initial thoughts would be to contact the cousin with whom you match.  If she looks at her matches, she will see you at some stage anyway and perhaps wonder who you are.

Then feel the water to see about your half brothers.  Though sad that you will never meet him, in some ways it will make it easier that your father has died, he won't have to answer any awkward questions.

Hope it goes well for you, whatever you decide.

Regards Margaret

[diplodicus]

I think I would feel compelled to give it a go albeit with much trepidation. Writing an initial message must be really difficult and I think I would approach it by trying to imaging what I would prefer to receive if I was the recipient of the letter.

Whatever you decide,  I do hope it goes well for you.

[dowdstree]

You have already has very sound advice but can I just add my own story which although different from yours may be helpful in making up your mind re contacting family members sooner rather than later.

My dad had a brief wartime marriage which ended in divorce. There was a daughter from this relationship but dad had no contact with his daughter whilst she was growing up. Dad remarried at the end of the war and myself and sister were born. In 1980 Rose managed to trace our dad and we all met up. Things went very well or so I thought but my mother was giving dad a hard time and finding it difficult to accept her as part of the family. The upshot was that I was asked to write to Rose and ask if we could take a step back from meeting for a while. I was asked as I was the one who had formed the closest relationship with her. That letter was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life and one which I will always regret. No further contact was ever made by either of us.

Dad passed away in 2005 and by then I knew through a cousin that Rose had divorced and remarried but nobody knew her new married name or where she was living so I had no way of getting in touch to let her know about dad. When my mum passed away in 2010 I felt free to try to trace Rose. After much searching I discovered that she had sadly passed away in 2007. It is a moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life when I saw the death record. I did find out where she is buried and when we are up that way I lay flowers on her grave but that is no substitute for the lost years.

Sorry to sound so sad and emotional but what I am trying to say is please do not delay too long as life is too short.

I wish you good luck whatever you decide is best for you to do.

Dorrie