When is a sister not a sister

[Caw1]

Please bear with me on this tale...

I found my half siblings, via someone's help on RC, four years ago now... I have a half brother in Canada and half sister in California. Our father is the common denominator in this tale.

It turned out they knew all about me! They were very accepting of me and I spent a year and a half skyping my brother every fortnight, sent them lots of pictures of our father to fill in the gaps. My sister I spoke to less regularly as she's quite ill and undergoing invasive treatment.

Finally two years ago my OH and I flew to California to meet them, brother was over from Canada to stay with sister too. All went well... we stayed for 10 days with them.

Since we returned I've had no communication with my sister and only contact with my brother if I instigate it... now I don't.

I have been very puzzled over all this but just thought ok they wanted to meet me and now that's it... I've lived 60+ yrs thinking I was on my own so that's that.

My sister looks nothing like me or our father... or actually even like her own mother! My brother is the image of our father.

I know my sister and her husband have taken DNA test with Ancestry and so have I.

It came to me like a bolt from heaven the other day......

Surely even though she's only a half sister she would come up as a DNA match... wouldn't she?

There is NOTHING on my matches closer than 1st & 2nd cousins, all of whom I know....

So, my question is..... is she NOT even my half sister then?
It might explain some of her comments to me if she's realised this too!

I'd love my brother to take a test but don't think he would...

Our father left their mother for mine during the war.... they were born 10 months apart. Our mothers worked together during the war...

Any comments, advice would be great...

Thanks in advance

Caroline

[brigidmac]

Yes i agree she would show up

So it looks like your father may have left their mother after he knew or guessed the daughter was not his.

My mother .paternal aunt and i all tested
My mother s dna comes out as mother/ child relation to me
My aunt comes up as close relatio  to me

Mums cousin cones up as her 1st cousin my 2nd cousin
Her half cousin (1 grandparent incommon)  is 2nd cousin to her
" 3rd or closer" to me

So i believe in the accuracy of these tests

I wonder how your "sister " feels about that

[Mart 'n' Al]

Caroline, Looking here:

https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

a half sibling should match on about 1800 cM, while a first cousin would typically be about 8-900, so it would be VERY UNLIKELY that they could be confused, even at their statistical extremes.

You say, "I found my half siblings, via someone's help on RC, four years ago now."  That possibly needs more investigation.  What was that 'finding' based on?  people on't always know the truth, even if they think they do.  I would rely on the DNA first, word of mouth next.  I know trhis from my own experiences.  Also facial and personality traits, either similar or different can be very different between close relatives. 

Also, face to face contact can be very different to phone and keyboard and Skype contact.  The latter can lack that 'hit it off' magic, or provide it erroneously.

Why won't your brother take a test?  Could it just be the cost?  Is he dubious about ANY ASPECT of DNA testing, for ANY REASON?

I know I haven't given you any answers, but, perhaps, things to consider.  I am sure more advice will follow from others.

I will follow your story, and add more if I can.

Martin

[Caw1]

Thanks for both your replies...

Brig... I thought that too, she should show up but nothing!

I think you may be right about dad leaving... they all travelled back from Egypt together! Then my dad arranged with one of his Sargent's to house them, children and their mother... dad had to sign papers for them to go to Canada... he never divorced their mother!

Martin

Thanks for the link, I will have a look at it..

They are definitely my half siblings... well brother is! Findings based on their mothers obituary detailing dads name, their names, partners and children's names so pretty conclusive.
We have same photos of father, our mothers worked in British Embassy together.
They are detailed on fathers army records, birth dates names , wife's name etc!
Not asked my brother to take test and now we have virtually no contact I wouldn't do that.... sister very strong personality, brother like our dad a kind gentle man probably listening to sister....
I'm not even convinced they are siblings...

Caroline

[brigidmac]

They are surely biolovical half siblings ....unless you think she was adopted or swopped at birth .

I think its worth contacting him again some people just never initiate contacts but are pleased to hear news ..as you say the physical resemblance is probably enough for you and if they are close it may be devastating to know they are not full siblings .

I hate to ask but Could it be that your father wasnt your birth  father ?

 Have you got cousin matches from his side ?

I too am going to follow with interest .

[Caw1]

Well, at worst they are half siblings if my father isn't her father....

I'm reluctant to ask him about taking a test... we have now just resorted to birthday and Xmas cards. I send him an email infrequently... he always replies with one line answers and hasn't instigated any contact himself.

I'm pretty certain that he was my father... he died in 1974, my mother died in 2010... she would never talk about any if this but she knew about his children and my sister remembers my mother coming to their house.
She says that her mother said one night to our father, who was fairly high ranking army officer in the war, to take my mother to the social functions as she couldn't go as the children were young... not sure if that's true of course as you'd think living in Egypt they'd have had a nanny or someone to look after the children...

I only have one cousin, my fathers brothers daughter and we are the spitting image of one another!

Thanks for your continued contributions.

Caroline