Author Topic: What would you do?  (Read 3308 times)

Offline matt94

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What would you do?
« on: Sunday 15 December 19 14:37 GMT (UK) »
Dear all,

Apologies in advance if the nature of this query flouts any of the forum rules, but I have a bit of a predicament and I'm hoping to get some opinions.

I started researching my family history about ten years ago. Not long after commencing my research I found that my father, who I had always thought was one of nine, actually had another sibling. She was born in the 1960s with disabilities and as my grandparents already had seven children at the time of her birth, she was placed in an institution. The family would visit occasionally but in the 1960s the visits stopped for some reason and no one mentioned the sister ever again. My grandparents died 20+ years ago now and there's been no mention of her since, though all of the other siblings are aware of her existence, and several of them presume her to be deceased by now.

Through researching the family history, I have ascertained (through Electoral Rolls) that she is still alive and have located her current address. She is being supported by a care organisation, who I contacted and they confirmed she was receiving their support and that she had given them permission to release this information to me.

As the 'researcher' in the family I'm now in a position where I need to do something about this knowledge. The two eldest siblings have apparently been emphatic in the past about not tracing her/talking about her, and some other siblings I have approached over the years have said they were crippled by indecision. Another sibling, I'm told, would really like to trace her but doesn't know how. My own father is undecided and doesn't want to commit one way or the other by himself.

The questions is, what do I do? The care team have said I could write a letter and my Aunt would decide based on the letter to proceed with any contact, or not.

I am leaning towards writing a letter containing all the facts of the matter to all nine siblings on the same day, and letting them decide what they would like to do.

What would you do? Have you ever broached a difficult topic with family before? Any help or advice would be gratefully received in what is a very complex situation.

Thanks for reading.

Matt
Census information is Crown Copyright  http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk

Offline iluleah

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #1 on: Sunday 15 December 19 14:55 GMT (UK) »
What I would do is write the letter..... you are interested in being in contact and maybe going and visiting her, you are the researcher......what others in your family do is up to them.

I started researching decades ago when my father died aged only 42yrs old, I remember asking who his mum was, she had died when he was 4yrs old and he had always said he didn't know her name , so I wanted to find out her name 'for my dad'...of course I know now all he had to do was look on his birth cert but at that time I was young/naive and knew nothing about records.

So off I went to find out, my mother asking me one day "what I was doing" which I told her and asked to see any records she had, she told me " she had none" later telling me to "let sleeping dogs lie" she was very agaist me researching and provided me with no help whatsoever..so I KNEW she was hiding something and didn't want me to find out...... ten years on my FH folder was on the table and I caught her looking at it as I walked in the room, she quickly put it down as if she didn't care but was clearly happy to read  it thinking I had no 'found out'......... I had, I knew within 6 months what she was hiding but the FH folder she looked at didn't give all the information, ( all that was in the one at home) and my reasoning was it is MY hobby, MY interest and I do not wish to upset her even if it is based on her ancestors 'guilt'  which she has taken and carried on .......in 40 yrs she still doesn't know that I know and she will only ever know if she asks me directly.
Leicestershire:Chamberlain, Dakin, Wilkinson, Moss, Cook, Welland, Dobson, Roper,Palfreman, Squires, Hames, Goddard, Topliss, Twells,Bacon.
Northamps:Sykes, Harris, Rice,Knowles.
Rutland:Clements, Dalby, Osbourne, Durance, Smith,Christian, Royce, Richardson,Oakham, Dewey,Newbold,Cox,Chamberlaine,Brow, Cooper, Bloodworth,Clarke
Durham/Yorks:Woodend, Watson,Parker, Dowser
Suffolk/Norfolk:Groom, Coleman, Kemp, Barnard, Alden,Blomfield,Smith,Howes,Knight,Kett,Fryston
Lincolnshire:Clements, Woodend

Offline brionne

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #2 on: Sunday 15 December 19 15:00 GMT (UK) »
You do not give any indication of what age your newly found relative is,but seems to me that this is not very recent history.Just go ahead and send a friendly letter to this person via the care team.
Would not worry about sending letters to the rest of your large family,no one but you appears to have had much previous thought about this poor soul after all.Do the right thing ,its Christmas.
Dyer,Wilts,Weare Somerset Dorset Wilts.
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Chapel Essex.McPherson,M Pherson MacPherson
Perthshire Scotland,Cork,Dublin,Drogheda Ireland.
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Offline Kiltpin

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #3 on: Sunday 15 December 19 15:30 GMT (UK) »
I think that you should make contact, without telling the rest of the family.   

If it works out and a relationship is formed between you two, you can then make a decision (with your aunt) as to who else might be told. 

If a relationship is not formed, you will have lost nothing and neither will any of your family.   

Christmas is coming (The Season of Good Will to All Men), start with a Christmas card and a cheerful letter. See what kind of response you get. 

Good Luck 

Regards 

Chas
Whannell - Eaton - Jackson
India - Scotland - Australia


Offline zetlander

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #4 on: Sunday 15 December 19 15:30 GMT (UK) »
but why do you wan to involve all the family?
Your father is ambivalent about it all so why don't you ask your aunt if you may visit her and take it from there.

What is your aunt's disability - maybe not severe as she is able to communicate her wishes.
Could it be that she was the daughter of your grandmother and someone else - not your grandfather?





Offline IMBER

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #5 on: Sunday 15 December 19 15:54 GMT (UK) »
This poor soul may never receive any visitors.Give it a go but ignore the others. If it works out well then you can consider bringing them up to date. As others have said, it's Christmas.

Imber
Skewis (Wales and Scotland), Ayers (Maidenhead, Berkshire), Hildreth (Berkshire)

Offline matt94

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #6 on: Sunday 15 December 19 16:39 GMT (UK) »
but why do you wan to involve all the family?
Your father is ambivalent about it all so why don't you ask your aunt if you may visit her and take it from there.

What is your aunt's disability - maybe not severe as she is able to communicate her wishes.
Could it be that she was the daughter of your grandmother and someone else - not your grandfather?

Thank you for your reply.

I mention involving the other siblings because they do not know that she is alive. I feel that since I have actually ascertained she is alive and living nearby, perhaps if they had that information, they would want to make their own decision as to whether they want to make contact too.

The family rumour is that my aunt was born with Downs Syndrome and/or possible other complications from a difficult labour. She lived for many years in an Institution for women and children with disabilities until it was closed in the early 1990s. She is almost certainly the child of my grandfather and grandmother.
Census information is Crown Copyright  http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk

Offline iluleah

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #7 on: Sunday 15 December 19 16:53 GMT (UK) »
Matt

First I would still make contact yourself with your aunt and visit if you/she/care organisation thinks that is the right direction to go ( for you)

MANY MANY families have people who were lost into institutions( including the Royals) and back 50 plus years families were told to move on with their lives and 'forget', that was the NORMAL advice, it was then shameful and guilt ridden, so family stories were told/developed and these people disappeared as new generations were born, so many will have no clue about her until you started to research and find the truth and a person in your family who you now have the opportunity to see/meet....

Once you have more information would then be the time to tell them and let them decide what they wish to do..........I wish you well
Leicestershire:Chamberlain, Dakin, Wilkinson, Moss, Cook, Welland, Dobson, Roper,Palfreman, Squires, Hames, Goddard, Topliss, Twells,Bacon.
Northamps:Sykes, Harris, Rice,Knowles.
Rutland:Clements, Dalby, Osbourne, Durance, Smith,Christian, Royce, Richardson,Oakham, Dewey,Newbold,Cox,Chamberlaine,Brow, Cooper, Bloodworth,Clarke
Durham/Yorks:Woodend, Watson,Parker, Dowser
Suffolk/Norfolk:Groom, Coleman, Kemp, Barnard, Alden,Blomfield,Smith,Howes,Knight,Kett,Fryston
Lincolnshire:Clements, Woodend

Offline Finley 1

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #8 on: Sunday 15 December 19 18:18 GMT (UK) »
Its extremely difficult to prise open a Shuttered door -- who knows what it will reveal..

I think you are carrying the families 'guilt' -  and this is probably your nature.

Go with your feelings .. It is so hard to consider a .n.other member of the families opinions - because no two people have the exact same feelings, emotions, or memories..

This person needs to be allowed to make her own choices if she can... you need to discover things regarding the whole terrible situation.

I have a similar situation -- I discovered that an Aunt had a daughter that was taken into care and then 'denied' existence.   It was way too late for me to talk to the Aunt .. or find her daughter.

 so dont let it all be too late..

study your conscience and do as YOU feel and believe is best

Finley