Author Topic: What would you do?  (Read 3058 times)

Offline scone

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #18 on: Monday 16 December 19 11:53 GMT (UK) »
I would just like to share my story it may help with your decision.  My parents separated when I was 2 years old I'm now 60+. I have no memory of my Father and only one photo which is tiny and hard to see I know from my Mum basic information about him, his siblings and parents who are now all dead but I have not idea what they looked like.  In the 1990's whilst visiting my Mum, I don't live local to her, I saw a name the same as my Father's brother on a business sign I asked Mum if this was his brother and she confirmed it was.   On my way home I took note of the phone number and after much indecision of several weeks/months I made contact with him and explained who I was.  He was fine and gave me details of my Father where he was living and how many children he had, he also said he would pass on my phone number to him which he did.   My Father did contact me twice and we chatted a little however he made a couple of comments which I was not happy about regarding my Mum and Grandmother which made me a bit unhappy with him but I didn't challenge him.  He asked a few questions about my life and knew my Mum had remarried someone in the RAF so as children we'd moved around quite a bit.  On the last occasion he phoned he introduced himself as my Father and again made a few unnecessary comments, after this I decided to leave things alone for a while, especially as when  I told my Mum about his comments, which weren't really all that bad, just not necessary, it upset her a little, and although she didn't say don't contact him or anything like that I didn't want to open up old sores.  Shortly afterwards we changed phone providers and my number changed and somehow I lost his number.  A couple of weeks ago whilst updating my research I came across information on a burial site suggesting someone with the same name had died in  2015.  Last week I received the death certificate which confirmed it was him and now I feel .... well in truth I don't quite know how I feel totally, there is a sense of loss, and I do know I have regrets especially in respect of having relatives and half siblings that I'll probably never meet this fills me with sadness, life is short and sometimes we need to be selfish towards ourselves, and do what is right by ourselves.  Like many of the other's who have offered opinions do what is right for you don't like me have regrets that now I can't put right.  Good luck.
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Offline Andrew Tarr

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #19 on: Monday 16 December 19 14:49 GMT (UK) »
A further thought.  In the (very) long run it may be best to make contact rather than decide not to risk any unpleasantness for someone.  That could become a permanent choice, with the end result that no-one survives to benefit from whatever results.

In the 1950s my father-in-law fell out with his only sister and they never spoke again.  Until then, both pairs of daughters enjoyed each others' company until the ways parted when they were young teenagers.  Fifty years later my wife started looking for possible death records and as a consequence regained contact with her long-lost cousin.  They get on fine and phone each other regularly.  So I might suggest that the possible gains might well outweigh the possible hard feelings.
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Offline ThrelfallYorky

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #20 on: Monday 16 December 19 15:30 GMT (UK) »
Andrew Tarr's advice sounds to me to be the very best possible advice.
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Offline matt94

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #21 on: Wednesday 18 December 19 22:12 GMT (UK) »
Thank you, all, for your thoughts on the matter.

I've read them all through and given them much consideration and I do believe the right thing to do is contact my Aunt.

Should I have an update with good news I hope I'll be able to come back and share it with you.

Thanks again.
Matt
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Offline trish58

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #22 on: Thursday 19 December 19 23:10 GMT (UK) »
I think that you should make contact, without telling the rest of the family.   

If it works out and a relationship is formed between you two, you can then make a decision (with your aunt) as to who else might be told. 

If a relationship is not formed, you will have lost nothing and neither will any of your family.   

Christmas is coming (The Season of Good Will to All Men), start with a Christmas card and a cheerful letter. See what kind of response you get. 

Good Luck 

Regards 

Chas

100% Agree.
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Offline River Tyne Lass

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #23 on: Saturday 21 December 19 12:14 GMT (UK) »
Actually, I think Kiltpin's advice is very good too.

It sounds like a gentle, less scary way of exploring whether things can progress further at this point. 

I know I wouldn't like to alienate or have any of my relatives cross with me so I can imagine the dilemma you are facing regarding doing something your relatives might not approve of.

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Offline matt94

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #24 on: Thursday 02 January 20 21:09 GMT (UK) »
Hi all,

Just to update you, Iíve written a letter to my aunt and a covering letter for her care provider to give a little context about the family situation (to be honest, I donít know whether they know she has such a big family). The letter to my aunt is much breezier and factual about me, my family, what we did for Christmas etc.

Iíve sent a copy of both letters to a cousin who is supporting me with the process of contacting her, just to check the wording and content of the letter. Iím also sending some photos of my family and our pets to aunt just as a keepsake.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions, it has really spurred me on to do this.

Kind regards
Matt
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Offline Jackiemh

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #25 on: Thursday 02 January 20 21:22 GMT (UK) »
A visit could well be next on the list! I wish you good luck with this.
Just a word of caution though, try not to overload your aunt with a lot of (family) information as this could be a daunting experience for her.
Jackie
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Offline brigidmac

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Re: What would you do?
« Reply #26 on: Friday 03 January 20 07:43 GMT (UK) »
Well done I think that is marvelous .
I was a carer for people with learning differences and some of the older ones did not have family visitors but one man had a carer who was very close and even after retirement continued to visit. go on outings even accompany the official carers on annual holidays .

Another lady didn't see her family very often....but had pictures of them on her walls and could identify who was who .

The animals can be important to
Meeting your pets may be a future step as most homes don't have any .
One of the carers used to to bring his dog for short visits which were greatly enjoyed by 2 residents.

Good luck
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