Author Topic: Unexpected parent in baggage area  (Read 1473 times)

Offline NPEWhoopsThatsMe

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #18 on: Monday 25 January 21 09:11 GMT (UK) »
I think one of the issues with Ancestry messages is that people don't always get the alerts into their email inbox, particularly if they've changed email address. It depends on them signing in to Ancestry and seeing a message waiting. I've had a few reply to me after 6-12 months, and more recently one that's been nearly two years since I contacted them.

Yes it's so frustrating. I have been told "read" receipts do not seem to be reliable either so I have no idea what I'm dealing with!

With c. 140cM matches, you could be looking to share great grandparents with these. Do any of those who match the 580cM match have trees with the same great grandparents? If so, you can work downwards from there. One of their offspring should be your grandparent, and your father's parent.

I've managed to narrow down one set of great-grandparents which is helpful. Sadly not with the 580 match yet - no tree for them and no common surnames between their matches so it's a bit of a haystack but process of elimination and logic is creating some clues.

Offline NPEWhoopsThatsMe

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #19 on: Monday 25 January 21 09:28 GMT (UK) »
Your situation is not uncommon. I realize this can be traumatizing for some people. There are several books out that share the stories of discovering your father may not be your father. I have personal experience with this and I am currently involved solving two missing father cases right now (within my extended family). I would be happy to share techniques if you want to pm.

Thank you, that's extremely kind. It's a strange feeling and one I haven't processed yet. Keeping in the "work" of it stops me having to mull over it too much.

Offline NPEWhoopsThatsMe

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #20 on: Monday 25 January 21 09:29 GMT (UK) »
That is a good book. The Author really struggled with the knowledge he gained from the testing. I see this a lot in the YDNA projects, discoveries that the father people always knew was not biological. Peoples lives are complicated. Decisions are made for reasons we can only guess. Some of us have two fathers, the one that raised us and our biological father. A lot to consider. All good.

Thanks both. It has definitely helped speaking to others with direct experience and reading their testimony. A kind community of people these NPEs are too!


Offline NPEWhoopsThatsMe

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #21 on: Monday 25 January 21 09:32 GMT (UK) »
This happened to my husband. We both did our dna: mine was as expected but his showed lots of cousin matches in the 200-900 cm range, all related to each other but not obviously to him. We also had not a single match searching with his uncommon but not that rare surname. So an NPE was assumed and his sister agreed to test with everyone expecting it to be at grandparents level. Unfortunately, the results showed her to be his half sister. He found this really difficult at first but has come to terms pretty well now. His father is the man who raised him and we don’t know the circumstances of his conception to have any views on it. However, his sister has asked him not to tell his side of the family so as not to shade his mother’s memory for his siblings as she died fairly young. This was difficult as it does seem secretive.

For us it was quite easy, with all the high matches, to work out that his “ father” must be one of three brothers. Strangely, the close matches who had been very keen to work out the link went very quiet once the NPE was found.

As it goes, his genetic ancestry is very close to where we live so in a way it’s a little more interesting- they’re still ag labs  just not the ones we thought they were!!

Good luck with your journey

Jo

Thank you so much. Yes, the discovery that my dear sibling is my half sibling was extremely difficult to swallow, along with the possibility my Dad may have been deceived... Thank you for sharing your experience.

Offline Flemming

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #22 on: Monday 25 January 21 09:35 GMT (UK) »
I've managed to narrow down one set of great-grandparents which is helpful. Sadly not with the 580 match yet - no tree for them and no common surnames between their matches so it's a bit of a haystack but process of elimination and logic is creating some clues.

One of the things you could try is starting a tree in Ancestry for these great grandparents and building downwards to present day as far as you can, then insert yourself into it at the appropriate level. You can do this by adding a fictional child for the great grandparents and making yourself descend from them. Then if you link this tree to your DNA results, Ancestry should go and find other matches with common ancestors related to these great grandparents. If you get a few more hits from this, then it probably means you're on the right track.

The matches themselves will see this as well but the benefit of making yourself descend from someone fictional is that living people can't be caught unawares at someone mysteriously appearing in their line - although if the 140cM matches are 2nd cousins, they're less likely to be concerned, but you never know.

Do the 140cM matches descend from the same or different offspring of the great grandparents?

Offline NPEWhoopsThatsMe

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #23 on: Tuesday 26 January 21 13:56 GMT (UK) »
I've managed to narrow down one set of great-grandparents which is helpful. Sadly not with the 580 match yet - no tree for them and no common surnames between their matches so it's a bit of a haystack but process of elimination and logic is creating some clues.

One of the things you could try is starting a tree in Ancestry for these great grandparents and building downwards to present day as far as you can, then insert yourself into it at the appropriate level. You can do this by adding a fictional child for the great grandparents and making yourself descend from them. Then if you link this tree to your DNA results, Ancestry should go and find other matches with common ancestors related to these great grandparents. If you get a few more hits from this, then it probably means you're on the right track.

The matches themselves will see this as well but the benefit of making yourself descend from someone fictional is that living people can't be caught unawares at someone mysteriously appearing in their line - although if the 140cM matches are 2nd cousins, they're less likely to be concerned, but you never know.

Do the 140cM matches descend from the same or different offspring of the great grandparents?

Thanks - this is a really good tip - sadly these people are all distantly linked to each other and to make things even more unhelpful one of the lines I've honed in on where I have some 2C / 2C1R relations involves siblings from one family marrying siblings from another family! Gah!

Offline Flemming

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #24 on: Tuesday 26 January 21 15:09 GMT (UK) »
Thanks - this is a really good tip - sadly these people are all distantly linked to each other and to make things even more unhelpful one of the lines I've honed in on where I have some 2C / 2C1R relations involves siblings from one family marrying siblings from another family! Gah!

Notwithstanding the sibling intermarriage, if your matches descend from different offspring of the great grandparents, this may be a good thing. For example, if you have three matches each descending from three separate offspring, this would strengthen the case for the great grandparents being the shared common ancestors between you.

Offline Zaphod99

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Re: Unexpected parent in baggage area
« Reply #25 on: Saturday 30 January 21 15:11 GMT (UK) »
Some people might not agree with me but if somebody doesn't reply, I think you should just once a month keep at it, in slightly different words and always very friendly tone. Perhaps they're busy at the moment and would welcome your contact in a few months time. I am persisting with this on one particular DNA match in the hope that he or she might eventually contact me. You've really got nothing to lose. Just be polite and persistent.

Zaph