Diary > Saturday 15th May

[Roobarb]

Thank you MH, what a lovely photo and particularly gorgeous with the swans there. 

[Viktoria]

iPad all charged up .
Lovely photograph and lovely descriptions of walks ,thank you everyone.
Sister phoned yesterday afternoon , she has a big garden and was telling me about all she has put in etc,A too high Leylandii hedge gas finally been cut in a neighbouring oroperty now new owners in residence but oh dear!
A monstrosity of a loft conversion now looks directly into her garden ,she is not pleased!
A few Nasturtiums coming up I noticed this morning.,have taken ages to germinate.Some  I started  like peas in blotting paper had sprouted ,planted in small pots in my little greenhouse now and will get planted out in a couple of weeks.

Second son will phone tidsy,wonder how he went in hsvung thr blood test re someone they had in their garden but well distanced had Covid 19.
He bought a second garden umbrella so they could be well apart .

Chicken for tea,new potatoes, green beans, peas, stuffing and apple sauce and for dessert, a pineapple upside down pud which I will give half of to my neighbour .
Must write and post a birthday card for Flash Harry’s  Mummy .A mixed time for her , her brother and my grandson’s good friend died two or three days before her birthday and grandson’s birthday some years ago.
A very sad time , they did not celebrate either birthday that  year.

The figures are very high with the Indian variant among the Asian community around Bolton ,so restrictions may not be lifted for some time.

Must get in, hsve a complaint to make about two pear trees I got ,sent dry packed ,to my daughter.
One for FH and one for her ,but it was ages ago and as yet no buds .
So it is a money back gardening firm and I will phone .
Look after yourselves.Viktoria.

[pharmaT]

Back to crying tears of despair and questioning my right to continue to exist.  it has been a tough week for all sorts of reasons, work and personal. Been having horrible selfish thoughts and it has been pointed out to me in language that would get me banned from just what a pathetic selfish excuse for a human being I really am.  Will try and explain what I have done without their obscenities although i guess that illustrates how vile I am that i illicit such a disgusting

I have selfishly decided to keep wearing my mask and not go to cafes or restaurant. Mainly because i am aware of just how many aren't following the rules we still do have and that makes me feel very unsafe.  In my defence I have only brought this up in response to being asked where I'm planning to go next week and then being asked why when i say nowhere. 

I had stupidly allowed myself to start feeling hopeful when we go our numbers down to 220 a day and falling but the variants have started making them climb again concerning.  Then yesterdays gathering and riots pushed me over the edge into feeling quite panicked.  I can just see epidemiology maps in my head and I selfishly fear the consequences.  I stupidly voiced that i wished they had found a safer way to celebrate and had it pointed out to me how disgusting I am for not considering their mental health.  I feel I need to defend myself I wasn't trying to deliberately harm anyone's mental health.  In my head, which is in overdrive i was considering the numbers increasing pushing us back into stricter lockdown, the mental damage done by bereavement, being in ITU, or even just in hospital.  i am so selfish and lazy I cannot bear the thought of the whole ward full of people suffocating, I have doubts about my own ability to make 'those' phone calls to families trapped abroad.  I stupidly thought there had to be a way that we could come out of lockdown while minimising the risk of going back in, for there to be a safer way for everyone to have some social interaciton and let off steam,not just those not bothered about covid.  Even now I've had it pointed out to me how selfish I'm being I cannot get the thoughts out my head,my brain always comesback roundto the selfish "why isn't there a way for everyone to have rights".  what kind of human am I if have such little regard for their mental health.

I now have a dilemma, how can I keep my registration while not considering their mental health but if I cannot work how can i feed my children and it's not their fault that I am useless and selfish.  I've tried punishing myself but it's not enough and i cannot work out how to fix it and make it up to the proper people hence the despair.

[Mowsehowse]

Pharma, you are not worthless, and you have to square your shoulders and carry on, because of your dear children.
But to avoid being incendiary, I try not to make remarks which I can guarantee are going to elicit the responses you have received.
In every area you will find some who wholeheartedly agree, and others who try and bully you into their way of thinking.
In my opinion it is never worth entering a debate.
Sadly, in this world, the only way forward is to do your thing, and to forget trying to get others to agree with your way of thinking.

[pharmaT]

Pharma, you are not worthless, and you have to square your shoulders and carry on, because of your dear children.
But to avoid being incendiary, I try not to make remarks which I can guarantee are going to elicit the responses you have received.
In every area you will find some who wholeheartedly agree, and others who try and bully you into their way of thinking.
In my opinion it is never worth entering a debate.
Sadly, in this world, the only way forward is to do your thing, and to forget trying to get others to agree with your way of thinking.

Not necessarily trying to get them to fully agree but would like to reach the point where it is acceptable that I exist and quite frankly if my existence damages the people in the vicinity (even though I barely go out and about) then i don't deserve to exist.

[Viktoria]

Rubbish Pharma, you are you - a person in your own right.
You do not have to justify your actions to anyone if you are doing the right thing .
Too many people are not being careful and conscientious enough ,so you carry on , feel proud you are doing your best which if more did things would be a lot better.
Viktoria.

[pharmaT]

Rubbish Pharma, you are you - a person in your own right.
You do not have to justify your actions to anyone if you are doing the right thing .
Too many people are not being careful and conscientious enough ,so you carry on , feel proud you are doing your best which if more did things would be a lot better.
Viktoria.

I feel like I have to go above and beyond because so many people aren't doing the bare minimum.  I am at the point i cannot see me ever changing from only leaving the house for work,school run and food.  It's for the best since people have made it clear that i shouldn't exist.

[River Tyne Lass]

PharmaT, my heart goes out to you about how you have been feeling.  Firstly, you do deserve to exist, this is beyond question.
Don't worry about some people not agreeing with your point of view on any subject.  People will disagree with each other all the time and it is okay to have a difference of opinion.  Try not to upset yourself about this.  You have a right to your own views and choices, as we all do.
I am concerned about the denigrating language that you constantly use in reference to yourself.  You speak so negatively about yourself.  I think you seem stuck in a cycle with this and I am concerned that this way of thinking will be wearing you out and helping to maintain feelings of despair.  Have you considered getting help regarding these negative thought patterns?  Things don't have to be this way.  There is support out there for the asking.
You are an intelligent, hardworking woman and you deserve to see yourself as you truly are and to not let you yourself be trapped in cycle of negative thoughts about yourself.
You are worthy and you do deserve to exist - never doubt that.  No matter how you might feel always remember this is true.

[Roobarb]

I completely agree with what the other Rootschatters have said, you should be proud of yourself PharmaT and of your achievements in such stressful and challenging times. Whoever said you shouldn't exist isn't even worth acknowledging let alone convincing yourself that they're right. Please listen to your friends here on Rootschat.