A family secret: is it best to keep it?

[sandiep]

you say she knows he walked out and is comfortable talking about him, I would imagine she knows there is a 50 50 chance he has another family, and if she is like me would love to know about what happened, she may not want to meet them but that would be her decision...........tell her about what you have found on your family good and bad if any and ask if she would like hers done, she can only say yes or no and you would then have the decision made for you.
good luck do let us know what happens

[DavidG02]

An interesting side note to this and what secrets WE wish to be let out.

Ben Affleck has found himself involved with a censor or not question on the American program '' Find your Roots'' ( I like the show)

A series of emails suggests he asked the host and producers not to mention one of his ancestors was a slaveowner. The show eventually went to air without mentioning this side of Afflecks family with the host arguing there were better stories to tell

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/18/ben-affleck-slave-ancestor-censor_n_7093234.html


As an Australian I have convicts in my family and I do know that 40 years and more ago that a stigma was attached to this fact, yet now it seems that if you DONT have a convict in your background you are somehow lacking in genealogical chic

We cant own what our ancestors did , and neither should we apologise, but we cant hide it. We may put things aside until a better environment exists , but it needs to be told eventually

[Ruskie]

We cant own what our ancestors did , and neither should we apologise, but we cant hide it. We may put things aside until a better environment exists , but it needs to be told eventually

This is how I feel too. We should not judge the actions of someone generations (or hundreds of years) ago by the standards of today.

[Guy Etchells]

The answer in your case could be very simple.

But before I give it I would suggest you check you facts carefully and make sure.
There is nothing worse than “I'm pretty certain that”.

“I'm pretty certain that” could mean I have seen a suggestion that, or I have found a tree with someone of the same name as.
On the other hand it could mean that I found a reference checked out all the details, timings, locations, earlier history of the individual, parents, etc. and there is little doubt that the two men are the same.

Three questions.

Do you talk to her?
Does your MiL know you have an interest in family history?
Do you talk to her about family history and your interest in the subject?

If the answer to the first question is no, don’t say anything to her about it. If you do say something it would come over as vindictive.

If you do talk to her and the answer to the second question is no, then talk to her about your interest in family history.

If she wants to find answers about her father and knows you research  the subject she will mention him to you or even ask if you have any information about him.

To answer your question, don’t tell your MiL but make it easy for her to ask you for information.
This would be so much easier for all if you had an online tree, as then she could look at it herself in private and decide whether she wanted to talk about him to you.

Cheers
Guy

[Flattybasher9]

As one who has dealt with a so called "family secret", it was interesting to find out that quite a lot of the family already knew about the said "secret". A lot of things pertaining to be secrets are nothing but information which is not openly discussed, but are discussed when individuals get togther.

Regards

Malky

[Galium]

Again, thank you for all your replies.  As you can imagine I have been turning this over and over since my initial post, and what I have read here has been very helpful.

Guy, "I'm pretty certain" is just a soft way of saying that I have no doubt at all. Given the information I had already, there is only one person who would have set up that particular tree, with those individuals in it, and using that name.

All things considered, I think it is best if I encourage a little, but wait to be asked, and if it never happens, even with a little encouragement, then so be it. 
 It's easy to forget, especially when among fellow enthusiasts (like here), that family history, and knowing who your relatives are is not quite so important to everyone else    .

[Cell]

"  A lot of things pertaining to be secrets are nothing but information which is not openly discussed"
quote from Malky
The above I have found couldn't be more true!

Make sure you are certain you're 100% sure that is her half sibling if you decide to tell her 
I can't answer your question whether to tell her or not as I don't know the lady  (if you are sure of your facts) , but if it was my Mother in law it would be a big fat no!!!  because I know how she'd react  ( have told her less things about her family and it's not worth rocking the boat).
If it was my  mum - yes.

Kind regards

[iluleah]

For me I don't tell if I am not asked, if asked I tell the truth!

When I began my FH the 'family' would say " let sleeping dogs lie" so gave me little to no information. When I spoke to my Grandmother, I thought she was more forth coming and helpful.... I know better than that now, she did tell me some things but deliberately lied about other things and yes it was a deliberate lie and to stop me finding out a "secret"

30years on and with record proof  of my ancestry I was never asked and was never told, in that time in conversations about family I might slip in something such as " he is not buried where his grave stone is, but in the next village" and my mother would behave like she knew already ( she didn't) .
She never once asked about my research, however I do have two FH files one that is true and one that has little detailed information in it, leaving that on the coffee table a few year ago on purpose I caught her having a peek and saw the relief on her face when she didn't find any of the so called "secrets" in it, only then did she tell me that my cousin had started researching and he may be interested in what I have( as she really does think that records are not available for me to find out). Told her he needs to ask then!

For me in my situation I am perfectly happy not to advertise her's and the so called family secrets, I just need to know for me and I know them all far more than they are hiding or even aware of but why rock the boat when she is happy. If she ever asked me directly I would show her the real file.

[Jool]

Another thing you should consider is your husband's feelings on the matter, in your original post you say he doesn't wish to tell his mother.  Whichever way you choose to proceed make sure he is comfortable with it, he may not even want you to encourage her to ask about her family history.

It is difficult for us who have an interest in genealogy to understand why others may not wish to know, but we have to respect their feelings too.

Good luck and let us know how things go.