I feel terrible and quite nervous...accidentally re-opened an old family rift

[Ruskie]

Depends on what caused the rift. Gt Uncle might be a bad egg. 

Are there any other family who might be able to fill you in on the background, so you don't upset your grandparents by bringing up the subject again?

[Rosinish]

Hi DS,

No need to feel bad/guilty/nervous.

You did what most of us would without knowing anything of the rift.

You have told your g/parents who aren't too happy etc.

Given their circumstances/ages/health, you could tell them you will let new found relative know you're not seeking to meet up etc. but are interested in finding more leaves for your tree, their descendants & families & assure your g/parents the rellie will be kept at distance i.e. via email not at the local pub/club or wherever & they may well agree to that but you won't know until you ask but you can tell them if they're totally against it you won't pursue it any further.

This doesn't mean you need to block the person, just be honest, tell them you now know there was a 'fall out' & would rather keep communication via mail & see what they say to that too?

That way you're being truthful all round.

Annie

[Andrew Tarr]

and this is the year 2017

Without wishing to offend, I would say that this is a useless comment which can 'justify' almost any action.

Reverting to topic, maybe Devonshire could be worrying about finding from her gt-uncle that her surrogate parents may have been 'in the wrong'.  It is possible.  It may boil down to the old dilemma - is it better to know, or not know?

[3sillydogs]

That is always the dilemma with old family feuds, those that come after often have no idea of what caused it because it isn't spoken about.  Being a g-uncle it would suggest a sibling of one of the grandparents.  Perhaps there is another family member who could she some light on the cause of the rift.  It must have been serious to cause such a reaction from her grandparents.

[hurworth]

I'd be wary.  It might not be as simple as a dispute over will.

We attended a very discrete funeral recently.  It wasn't widely publicised in case someone was tempted to breach a protection order.

[Guy Etchells]

I think it is quite easy for us as outsiders to say, "Yes get in touch, you may regret not doing so" and I agree we've all had the "If only I'd asked earlier moment." However, we don't know the situation in this case and Devonshire obviously feels that it would upset her grandparents if she went behind their backs.

That is the whole point Groom, Devonshire’s grandparents feel she has gone behind their backs once and could possibly do so again.
The only way to resolve such an issue is to talk to them and reach a resolution.
Devonshire has already stated that they brought her up after the loss of her parents that being so they know what properties they have instilled in her, whether that is to blindly follow instructions or to tread her own path whilst being aware of other’s feelings.
Hopefully the bond is strong between them that ensures mutual respect and understanding rather than blind obedience.

Personally I think that there does come a time when we have to remove our Genealogy hats and just accept that people feel so strongly about something that we have to let it go, as much as we'd like to find out the truth. It  isn't worth digging up things, opening old wounds and perhaps starting new family rifts. Others may feel differently.

I totally disagree, you mention finding the truth, if someone is frightened of the truth then they do not deserve respect. We may be ashamed of our past actions but it only by accepting the truth that we can move on and make amends for what we are ashamed of.
This does not mean I think Devonshire’s grandparents have done anything to be ashamed of, (before anyone reads that into my words) as obviously we do not know what has taken place.

Cheers
Guy

[[Ray]]

Hi

I would explain to your grandparents that you had no intention to upset them.

You did not know,how could you?

Do not mention/repeat the subject of the fall-out with the relative.

Be positive, they will not want to hear anything negative.

Do not use the word "BUT".


Do some homework?
Try looking up their parents will(s), maybe the clue starts closer than you may think?

Good Luck
Ray

[Andrew Tarr]

It must have been serious to cause such a reaction from her grandparents.

Not necessarily.  In the 'fall-out' I mentioned above, it appears that my father-in-law and his sister (both being stubborn characters, she rather more) took turns housing their widowed father.  After some time she refused to continue, despite having benefited more from the sale of the old man's house.  He ended up lodging with another family.  As far as I know they never spoke again, even at his funeral.

The situation is understandable, and so was the desire to keep the story from the children; but also not something to be truly ashamed of.

[groom]

It must have been serious to cause such a reaction from her grandparents.

Not necessarily.  In the 'fall-out' I mentioned above, it appears that my father-in-law and his sister (both being stubborn characters, she rather more) took turns housing their widowed father.  After some time she refused to continue, despite having benefited more from the sale of the old man's house.  He ended up lodging with another family.  As far as I know they never spoke again, even at his funeral.

The situation is understandable, and so was the desire to keep the story from the children; but also not something to be truly ashamed of.

I don't know Andrew - I'd consider that something to be ashamed about if I'd taken money from the sale of my parent's house then refused to house or look after them so they ended up elsewhere.