Help please - upset relatives

[FWaters]

I have been researching my other half's family history since last Christmas and have ensured that all the information I find out has been copied for him, his sister and their half sister.  This information is derived from census returns, archives, record offices, certificates and from conversations with these three people.

We have now been contacted by a very angry daughter of the half sister who cannot bring herself to speak to us because her mother has been so upset by the family history we have presented to her.  Apparently her mother, who is 80, cannot sleep she is so distressed by things we had put in the folders of documentation we sent her which are 'just hearsay and cannot be verified now'.

We are horrified that we have upset her.  Not for anything would we have done so.  We asked if they wanted the information and the answer was yes.
Never would we have sent it if we'd known this would be the outcome.

The only things that could possibly have upset her are comments in conversations I had with the sister.  Obviously there must be something in the transcriptions of these conversation that has caused offence.  Now I'm devastated - it's all my fault!  I'm the one who did the research, put the information together and sent it to her.  I should have been more careful.  It looks like I've caused a family rift when all I really wanted to do was bring everyone together and ensure that all sides of the family had access to the history.  I feel so dreadful that I've caused this.

What's worse if that we passed the folders over 5 months ago, and were totally unaware of any problem until now and we have not been told exactly what has upset her. 

Hopefully no-one else has been as stupid as I obviously have, but if anyone has any experience of such a situation or ideas of how we can smooth things over, I'd be very grateful.

Many thanks
Fiona

[mc8]

Hi Fiona
I'm really sorry that the results of your research has caused problems within the family. I imagine you are right that it stems from something transcribed from the oral histories you have taken-one person's recollection of events may be quite different from another's with passage of time, or they may think they remember dates which put a different slant on history. You might consider writing a letter to the half sister apologising for the distress as clearly you did not intend it, and perhaps indicate that any research of family history only provides one version of the 'truth' based on memories and scraps of records

I'd been thinking about sharing my research with the family-I'll certainly think carefully about that now

I hope you manage to calm the waters

[lyz]

Hi,
Oh Dear, but please don't be upset, it isn't your fault, they wanted to know so it's theyr'e problem. Writing a letter is a good idea.
I got upset 4 years ago when I traced my Mum, she phoned me, we talked for 2 hours, then blurted out that she didn't want to hear from me again, it upset her to much, I wrote her a letter, but she returned it by registered post.
What I'm trying to say is, don't blame yourself, they just didn't face problems and upsets, much too easy for them to sweep them under the carpet. Good Luck, don't give up. Lyz

[loo]

My sympathies.  I haven't gotten to this stage yet, but have already been worrying about it.  I was thinking of having two "versions", one for me and one that is somewhat more blandified for others, especially people I don't know very well, like newfound rellies.  My personal version need only come to light on my demise.
My MIL wrote a large book about the family history and published a few years ago.  She too got some serious flak from some family members.  I guess the thing is that we're dealing with people's memories, and those memories have a sacred quality to them.  (Otherwise, this wouldn't be nearly so interesting, now would it?) 

[janan]

Hi Fiona
Write a letter and apologise for the distress the information has caused, but don't apologise for causing the distress - you've done nothing wrong. You wrote  down the oral histories, presumably from the half-sister as well, and let them each have a copy as they asked. If the half-sister can't cope with something the sister has said then she needs to talk to her not have her daughter shouting at you.
Hope this doesn't put you off your research (though you'll probably not be offering to share it with the family again).
Best wishes Jan

Oh and welcome to rootschat.

[FWaters]

Thank you all for your comments.  I wish I could say I feel better, but having looked through the notes, there are some things which definitely should not have been copied to the half sister.  That I sent them unintentionally does not help.  I really should have been more careful and sensitive when making copies of notes done some time previously.  I have no excuse, and I do feel really dreadful.  We have e-mailed back with an apology, and I'm going to write a letter too, but right now I really can't stop beating myself up over it.  It'll be some time before I can face doing any more research.

Thanks again, you've all been very kind and I'm sure I don't deserve it.
Best of luck with all your family histories.
Fiona

[SellickAust]

Fiona

I have come across things during my family tree search that has on occassions upset my mother eg unknown brother before marriage of her parents etc.

I made the mistake of giving the information to my brother and his partner and they blurted it out before i could confirm the information. I took the lesson I learned from that and moved forward. You cannot control the way other people react to things, you never intended any hurt and did things out of love.

Write the letter and apologise but do not give up on searching your family history.

In the end what you find while searching your roots ,you will bring you great joy and help you find out more about yourself

SellickAust

[kim hannan]

hi fiona
this is an awfull thing to happen to you as all you have done is present what you have found as promised to others but these people have to remember we as family historians have no control on what secrets come out of the closet
i hope you can get this sorted if not as least keep things to yourself which you feel might offend good luck
kim

[D ap D]

I had a similar experience, though not on the same scale.

When my grandmother went into a home, my mum and her sister gave me an old battered suitcase that had belonged to my grandfather. My grandmother kept all her paperwork etc in there (I had been looking after all my grandmothers paperwork for years).

Anyway, there was a lot of info in there about my grandfather, none of which I knew about as my grandfather died when I was very young, and I never knew him.

Anyway, armed with this backgroud info, I spoke to all 3 sisters (my mum and her 2 sisters) separately and made notes and then sent each one a copy of their transcript, so that they each could confirm what they had said.

I then put all this info into a report together with other info I had found from my research. It was cause for discussion, as all 3 had different points view and had different memories of their father. As a matter of principle, each disagreed with the opinion of the others.

I tried to point out that opinions are objective and personal. That you cannot disagree with an opinion. I came to the conclusion that it is MY work, they don't have to read it. And if they do and disagree, the door is wide open for them to comment and make amendments.

On the other end of the scale, I found out that my dads uncle, who got me started with all this stuff, was actually born 5 years after his dad died. It was only when I was going over the report again that I realised. I had already sent out the report to all family members. Whoops 
However, he was fine about it. Facts are facts and you can't change them. Not a bad attitude for an 85 year old.

I'm quite thick skinned when it comes to family disagreements, so it doesn't bother me much. I would say though, that it sounds as if your family has upset you after all the trouble and effort you went to, having consulted them first, with no ill intention. Families do however tend to fall out over the daftest things, which are laughable when you look back at them later.