Etiquette and Ethics of Genealogy

[scottcharles]

I'm still quite new to all of this and I was wondering if you could all give me some input about your views regarding the ethics and etiquette of genealogy - particularly considering living distant relatives etc. I'm asking because I seemed to make a bit of a mistake with somebody recently and I don't want it to happen again (nobody who I've been looking for recently, a cousin who I came into contact with about 6 months ago)!

I've come into contact with quite a few distant cousins of mine and other than a bit of general chit-chat, haven't really known how to go about things. As the number of family members I'm in contact with is quite small I would like to branch out a bit. Has anybody successfully founded a relationship (friendship) with family that they've found through their research?

And what about shared research and putting cousins into contact with other cousins? Is there a particular etiquette to sharing research? Personally I'm not too bothered whether people share my work if it's relevant to them, for instance if they're a cousin of mine. As long as it's not distorted or plagiarised it doesn't matter to me.

...Just wondering! Sorry if it's random!

[mitchell]

I recently met up with a 3rd cousin and his wife for the first time who had contacted me through GR...we've been emailing each other for about 2 years. I'm usually painfully shy with people that I don't know but, although I wasn't expecting to, I felt that I'd always known them as we got on so well We are definitely going to keep in touch and see each other when we can...we live a fair distance from each other.

Some of the distant cousins that I've found have just wanted to exchange information and are not interested in finding out about anything else but, some have been really chatty and we've built up quite a good rapport where we tell each other about what's happening in our lives via emails. Most of my distant cousins live abroad so meeting up with them hasn't come up yet, neither has speaking to them on the phone. I personally wouldn't have a problem exchanging phone numbers eventually, but would prefer to get to know them pretty well (as well as you can emailing) before doing this...as I did with my 3rd cousin.

As far as putting cousins in touch with each other goes, you definitely have to find out if both parties agree to this before giving out email addresses...I've done this successfully several times.
Like you, I'm happy to share my research but some people aren't. I usually send what I have...and don't really care if they don't have anything to give back...I'm just happy to have found another cousin.

Elaine

[KathMc]

It is hit or miss and I think just dumb luck if you actually build a relationship with a long lost. I very lucky with the first couple that I contacted, one of whom became a close (email) friend. I have also gotten close to a distant cousin in Australia (I'm in America) and he and his wife and I email often. But I have many that I have been in contact with who trade info with me and then move on. We get back in touch when we have new information. And that is ok with me also. I don't have close relationships with a lot of my first cousins I have known all my life, so you can't have it all.

I've only put some cousins in touch once. That was my mom and the first long lost relative I got in touch with. My mother didn't know any of that side of the family, due to her dad leaving when she was little and an extremely bitter mother. This was the closest living relative she knew she had. I have since found 3 closer relatives and my mom is looking forward to getting to know them also.

Kath

[Ewan]

Just over 2 years ago now a lady answered a request from me from the teletext.  She had details of one of her ancestors brothers James, who turned out to be my ancestor that I had been searching for quite a while.  Not living near that part of the country where they lived it made it a bit awkard for me to research this family.   Her William and my James (or as we call them her Willy and my Jimmy ) were brothers in Kent in 1782.

Since then we regularly chat via e mail, and I have said to her, "believe this or not but you are the only relative of my dad that I have known".  My dad not having any siblings, I did not know his parents either.

[Simon G.]

I've been in contact with goodness knows how many people in the course of my research.  I only regularly talk to one of them (my third cousin), which has been helped by there being only 3-years between us and us living less than 10-miles away from each other.  We're lucky to have the same kind of view of the world as each other, so we get along very well...but this is by no means common when you're researching.
It's my experience that the vast majority of people you'll talk with for a while about your common interests, then never share a single word with them ever again.  It's certainly not right or how it should be, it just is that way.

[KathMc]

It's my experience that the vast majority of people you'll talk with for a while about your common interests, then never share a single word with them ever again.  It's certainly not right or how it should be, it just is that way.

I think it's normal not to have a longstanding relationship with these people. It's great when it clicks and something can be ongoing and outside the family, but it's hard to carry on numerous long-distance relationships all over the globe. I know I fail to keep in touch with some. And now I am going to drop an email to a few, because I am feeling guilty I haven't done my part.  Thanks for this thread to keep me motivated.

Kath

[Simon G.]

Really it's quite natural we don't keep in contact with people.  Like with any relationship, it takes time to build up one with your "extended family".  We all know how it is with research...we contact someone, get some information, then we go off on a tangent or three.  It's the nature of researching, but sadly it doesn't really open itself to making friends all that often.

[KathMc]

Really it's quite natural we don't keep in contact with people.  Like with any relationship, it takes time to build up one with your "extended family".  We all know how it is with research...we contact someone, get some information, then we go off on a tangent or three.  It's the nature of researching, but sadly it doesn't really open itself to making friends all that often.

Very true. I would love to have a family reunion with a couple of the different branches I have found, but think not many would be interested to travel somewhere to see their 3rd or 4th cousins. On the other hand, I would love to meet all of them and share. I can't even get 1st cousins interested in a lot of my research, though. So sad.

[scottcharles]

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I think this is a side of genealogy that we don't really talk about.
I don't know, I just think it's so sad when families lose touch, and it seems so hard to make ties meet again afterwards.
I've been fortunate enough to get into contact with a cousin of mine who remembers my father, so we have a common living connection, but other than that, things just seem a little distant!