Living relatives and illegitimacy

[nong43]

Hello

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the following...

I have found somebody whom I know to be my 1st cousin once removed and would like to contact him, partly because he's family, but also because he is very likely to have much more information about some of my ancestors than I do.

Thing is, while he descends from our common ancestor (my great-grandfather, his grandfather) legitimately, I descend illegitimately. Given the dim view of illegitimacy in the early 20th century, I can imagine that my cousin's family were never told that their grandfather had fathered a child with another woman before he married their grandmother. So any letter I send might be the first he's heard of it and could shatter his image of his grandfather.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about contacting a relative in these circumstances? Any advice would be very gratefully received.

Thanks

Martin

(Moderators - I looked for a thread that covered this topic but couldn't find one that I felt was quite right. Please feel free to move this post/topic if you see fit.)

[aghadowey]

Difficult to know how to approach this relative but maybe you could keep it a bit vague- something like I'm researching the family of ____ that I believe are connected to my grandfather.... and include what you know of their line?

[Christopher]

Hi Martin,

Welcome to RootsChat. I agree with aghadowey.

Keep your message vague, short and simple and see what develops.

Christopher

[nong43]

Thanks aghadowey and Christopher, and thanks for the welcome.

I am inclined to agree with both of you, but I can't help feeling I'd be being a little dishonest by being vague... nevertheless, I think your suggestions are probably the best way forward - I'll just have to find a way to word it that I feel comfortable with. 

[Christopher]

Hi Martin,

There's the humorous approach ... "Do you have skeletons in your cupboard? If you haven't yet found one I'm sure some more research on your part may show one or more living relatives that you've not yet had the pleasure of meeting. I think I may be one of them." 

An article to a magazine, or letter to a newspaper, approach ... there are several genealogy mags and even women's mags on the market that might publish a short article related to your family history.

And there's the direct approcah ... come right out with all your information and hope that your first cousin once removed is not too upset.

There's also the vague approach and I'm certain there are others.

Christopher

[silvery]

They may know all about it, on the other hand, and have been wondering for years how to find out about their relatives from the relationship, but don't know how to start.

[Shropshire Lass]

Given the dim view of illegitimacy in the early 20th century, I can imagine that my cousin's family were never told that their grandfather had fathered a child with another woman before he married their grandmother.

I think the fact that it happened BEFORE he married makes it less of a problem.

Good luck - hope it goes well!
Monica

[Maggott]

It's  pretty remote now, so I shouldn't think anyone will be too shocked.  You may even find that there are rumours in the family about Gtg/father- approach it matter-of factly (neither you nor your parents have anything to be ashamed of) & see what happens. 
Good luck Maggott

[JassieB]

I am in the process of contacting my real sister - I thought long and hard and eventually my good friend suggested I ask The Salvation Army to act as a go-between.  I pray that she will answer the letter they are sending to her today!!  Stay positive!