Secrets and Skeletons

[Graham47]

As a recent convert to family history research now that I am well into retirement there are some issues that are bothering me.

Who in fact 'owns' family information, what discoveries should remain private, and where do we draw the line? The internet has now made it possible to uncover much that has been hidden away under silence. Just one example for purpose here, is finding out that we have half siblings. Should our parents have told us about them and was it nobody's business but theirs and having discovered this information, do we have a responsibly to share it with our own full siblings?

In my own case I have found two that I was not aware of (one of whom it seems 'everybody' knew about except dull muggins here) and now have a real itch to make contact.

Other examples and variations are out there I know and as an area that troubles me somewhat, would others care to comment?

[Marmalady]

There is no hard-and-fast rule about what to do with the info -- you will have to decide on a case-by-case basis

But if you have found the info easily, anyone else can do so too, so it is not really "secret"

I probably would not go round shouting "guess what - Dad had 2 more children" but maybe sound out how interested your siblings are in the family tree in general and any "interesting" info in particular before telling them -- you may well find they already know

[bramhallbill]

There is a risk
But curiosity is met
So make contact
Take it from there
Nothing to lose
Perhaps more to gain

[Graham47]

Thanks for your comments.

As for nothing to lose bramhallbill I take you point, but my concern would be the loss of respect from within the family.

It's akin to being one of those metal detector guys, many would rather you did not go digging around but when you find something of interest, well...... that's different.

As for any arm waving Marmalady again I take the point but gosh, it's difficult when you find out your dear old dad for example was in fact a bit of a bugger who ditched his first family only to have another!

A hard one to be sure, and a lesson in discretion that life has not taught us how to deal with. The only one I ever had I suppose was from my mother who said you could not put the clock back to which my only reply was, but what about putting the clock right?

Rest her soul, she never had an answer for that.

[Shropshire Lass]

As for any arm waving Marmalady again I take the point but gosh, it's difficult when you find out your dear old dad for example was in fact a bit of a bugger who ditched his first family only to have another!

Unless you know the whole story, don't be so quick to blame your father - who knows what lead him to leave the first family?

I've got to agree with Marmalady that you have to look at each case and decide.  I've found out some things that I know would upset certain people and have kept those quiet.  When the older generation passes, there will be no problem with others knowing.  Other information people have found very interesting - with the separation of a generation or two, people usually don't have an emotional reaction to new information.

[Graham47]

Nothing quick about it Shropshire Lass and I'm not one to blame anybody, all I'm trying to point out the difficulties faced when we enter into family research. As said in my opening post, who actually 'owns' family information and what part of it is none of our business?

We learn for example that the Queens Aunt had been locked away for years but that's OK because it's in the so called public interest but, if we discover Great Uncle Fred was transported to Australia or Auntie Nelly was not really your Aunt but your sister - should that concern us?

Perhaps the best way is to make our own judgments and act (or not) as we see fit.

[KGarrad]

I would say that nobody owns FH data - or rather everybody owns it!

It's all a matter of public record - which these days, due to internet access, is more readily available to all.

[Shropshire Lass]

As said in my opening post, who actually 'owns' family information and what part of it is none of our business?

We learn for example that the Queens Aunt had been locked away for years but that's OK because it's in the so called public interest but, if we discover Great Uncle Fred was transported to Australia or Auntie Nelly was not really your Aunt but your sister - should that concern us?

Perhaps the best way is to make our own judgments and act (or not) as we see fit.

I think that's all you can do - use your judgement at the time.  Once you know something, you can't "unknow" it but you can choose whether to pass it on to other people.

[Finley 1]

I totally understand what you are saying here.   I discovered the truth !!!!! about my wayward Grandfather, after years of listening to little white lies. 

I took on my knowledge and instead of 'facing out' my father with it, just casually dropped it into the conversation, as if I had always known.  This worked, because by that time my Poppa was well into his 80's and I suppose, he felt that my mother may have told me etc etc etc.   However, I have NOT divulged toooo much of this info to close cousins.  Unless they ask me - then I will explain. 
As is stated, the truth is out there and anyone with a pc and the wherewithal can get at it.

I dont think any one member of the 'family' should feel they own the information.  As it surely belongs to the family. 

One online definition of which is:
5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

xin