Have you ever..felt a little uncomfortable..

[pinefamily]

I love it, 3SD. 

[rosball]

A few years ago I was chatting by e-mail with a distant unmet cousin John about our ancestors/family trees.

John asked if I could find anything about his uncle Albert.  I couldn't found anything definitive so I started checking his siblings (to see if Albert was mentioned in their death notices).  I discovered that a brother X was twice gaoled for embezzlement.  In the thrill of the chase I didn't think carefully and e-mailed John  - Did he know about X's money problems as there are a couple of interesting articles.  John replied that he didn't and would really like to know.

Only then did it occur to me that I could be chatting to X's son.  I checked and X had a son John who would be in his eighties.  I tried to backpedal and stall etc ... but John was insistent so in the end I sent him the articles.

He told me he was X's son and had been brought up by his father's mother as his father had died when he was quite young and his mother had walked out earlier.  His grandmother had only told him about his father being an accountant and singing in the choir etc - all good things. 

I felt so guilty - this was not something a man in his eighties needed to hear for the first time.  John did seem to take it quite well and perhaps it explained in part why his mother had walked out. 

But I try to be more careful now ...

[Ruskie]

I am not sure that we should presume that the elderly don't want to know the truth, or need to be protected from such events in their own family.

Some may be desperate to know, and as your case Ros, sometimes learning the truth may go some way to explaining events in the past that may not have made sense at the time; perhaps they may have been wondering about it all their lives.

Things that may have been scandalous then (illegitimacy etc) are commonplace now, and I think many older people have moved with the times and understand and would accept this in their own family history.

My father is in his 80s and I'd be happy to tell him anything and everything I found about his ancestors (if I had the chance). 

[Andrew Tarr]

I am not sure that we should presume that the elderly don't want to know the truth, or need to be protected from such events in their own family.

Some may be desperate to know, and as your case Ros, sometimes learning the truth may go some way to explaining events in the past that may not have made sense at the time; perhaps they may have been wondering about it all their lives.

In Ros's case I feel the distant cousin had relieved her of any remaining obligation to conceal the truth, by explicitly asking to hear it - especially as the story had been in the public domain for a long time, it seems.  It's not really her responsibility to continue the 'protection'.  One might argue that an old man need not go to his grave still wanting the 'truth' (whatever that may be).

[pharmaT]

I am not sure that we should presume that the elderly don't want to know the truth, or need to be protected from such events in their own family.

Some may be desperate to know, and as your case Ros, sometimes learning the truth may go some way to explaining events in the past that may not have made sense at the time; perhaps they may have been wondering about it all their lives.

In Ros's case I feel the distant cousin had relieved her of any remaining obligation to conceal the truth, by explicitly asking to hear it - especially as the story had been in the public domain for a long time, it seems.  It's not really her responsibility to continue the 'protection'.  One might argue that an old man need not go to his grave still wanting the 'truth' (whatever that may be).

I agree Andrew. He specifically asked to hear it. Ros should feel no guilt.

[3sillydogs]

Agreed, if the information is specifically requested then you should feel no guilt at passing it on.

I am sure if my mum and dad were still here, they would want to know what I have discovered in my diggings into the family past..........

[rosball]

Thank you for trying to alleviate my guilt.

But John would not have had an inkling that his father was not the paragon of virtue that his grandmother had led him to believe (and he had believed for 80 years) if I had not stumbled upon the articles and unwittingly blurted it out.

It must have been a shock to John and he must have reviewed, relived, questioned all he knew about his early life and his grandmother's stories and views etc.  Definitely not easy for a man in his eighties to have to go through.

[Andrew Tarr]

But John would not have had an inkling that his father was not the paragon of virtue that his grandmother had led him to believe (and he had believed for 80 years) if I had not stumbled upon the articles and unwittingly blurted it out.

It must have been a shock to John and he must have reviewed, relived, questioned all he knew about his early life and his grandmother's stories and views etc.  Definitely not easy for a man in his eighties to have to go through.

One of the lessons of life is that you can never be certain of what goes on in other people's lives, however well you may think you know them.  That's not to say that there is a skeleton in every cupboard, just that one only ever sees the outside, as it were.  By the same token you can never be sure how someone will receive any 'news' you may have.  You may guess wrong - but that's not to say you should always tell them nothing.