Advice needed

[Matt James]

Hi all,

I am after a little advice how to handle a situation.

I found out my dad was adopted, he doesn't want to find out any information about birth mom, I respect his wishes but am however curious to find out more about my biological nan for for several reasons such as health history, why she gave him up, what did she look like etc.. I have found out my dads name before he was adopted ad have the name of his biological mother, I have found out plenty of information about her to the point of when she died, I have found her son and know where he live. My issue is do I knock on his door and speak to him or do I write a letter. I don't want to cause shock to him and only want some information and see a picture of what my nan was like, I have no intention of "rocking the boat", I speak to my dad occasionally and have never been close as he has lived abroad most of my life while I remained in the UK.

Could I have thoughts from people not involved how to handle this situation, as I find being directly involved clouds m judgement.

Regards

Matt

[groom]

Hi Matt, welcome to Rootschat.

This is a very difficult situation and you need to consider things very carefully before you do anything. Firstly the son may not know that his mother had a son who she gave up for adoption and so it could be a huge shock for a stranger to suddenly claim that, especially as she has died, so he would have no way of asking her what happened. How would you feel if that happened to you?

Secondly, your father has indicated that he doesn't want to know his birth family, so do you really have the right to go against his wishes, even if you aren't close to him? Also how would his birth family react if they did want to meet him and he didn't want to know? You say that you have no intention of rocking the boat, but once you approach the family there is no going back. If his birth mother had kept it a secret that could also cause a lot of hurt to her family.

[Milliepede]

It's very difficult and certainly not advisable to go knocking on doors out of the blue.

As you say you have found out a lot of information already I would honestly try to be satisfied with what you have and don't go looking for more as the consequences may be something you later regret. 

Yes it would be a bonus to know what she looked like but maybe there is a roundabout way of doing that, for example if she was in a choir or a club and a picture was in a local paper that kind of thing.

[groom]

As you say you have found out a lot of information already I would honestly try to be satisfied with what you have and don't go looking for more as the consequences may be something you later regret. 

I agree Milliepede and was going to add that. Lots of us don't know what our relatives looked like or much about them. You know her name so presumably you can now trace her parents etc.

I really don't think that it is worth possibly upsetting at least one family just to satisfy your curiosity. Once you start something you can't stop it.

[Billyblue]

Hi Matt and welcome to RootsChat

This is always a ticklish situation.
You say you know where your uncle lives.  Do you know anyone who might know him that you could talk to?  It's sometimes wise to go through an intermediary in these situations, for the various reasons put forth by Groom and Milliepede.

In Australia we have an organisation called Jigsaw.  See if you can find anything similar in UK, and approach them.  With Jigsaw, I think they usually write to the birth family to 'test the waters' for you.

If you do go ahead, be prepared to either be welcomed wholeheartedly, or be rebuffed.  Either way it could be quite emotionally draining.  You need to remember that situations and community reactions years ago were quite different to the way people think, these days.

Best of luck
Dawn M

[dawnsh]

Hi Matt

The chatters here aren't specifically trained to help you deal with a situation like this, we can only give general advice, not be there for you if or when things go awry.

There will always be people who say 'go ahead' and others who say 'don't do it'.

Have you tried to find advice or professional help from official intermediary services? You haven't updated your profile so we don't know specifically where you are in the world and where to direct you further for help.

Dawn

[Flattybasher9]

Family secrets are a pain. When I was a child, (Eight) I was introduced to my father's father and mother as them being my paternal grandfather and grandmother. Only problem is, my paternal grandmother had been dead for two and one half years prior to my birth. To this day, I still do not know who this woman was. Also, I have a half brother. I do not know who he is. I have often thought of finding out who they were/are but then I think, it changes nothing, so why go out of my way to do so, just for no reason but idle curiosity.
One thing to think of is, your father may already have some of the answers, and lacks understanding as to why him, and not his brother.

Regards

Malky

[Matt James]

Hi all

Thank you for the welcome and the replies!

I know the replies you all have kindly posted make sense. I don't want to cause the son any problems and change his outlook (especially if favorable) about his mother.

I take on board that the birth mother could have kept it secret, and I don't want to cause any issues to him or wider family.

I think in my head I find it hard to know I have put a lot of time into researching her family tree and know its as far as I can go. I need to think if as has been pointed out, it may be for the best to learn to be satisfied with what I have found or go along the lines of intermediary service. I am leaning more towards learning to be satisfied with what I have at the moment.

Thank you for the advice


Matt

[groom]

One way that has just occurred to me, is that as you have researched her tree have you got it on a site such as Ancestry as a public tree? That way, if any of her family are also researching they may come across her name and contact you. It would be a long shot, but you never know.