Family Secrets

[antiquesam]

While on holiday I took the opportunity to find some family graves in Dundee. I have discovered that my mother had a brother who I knew nothing about. In fact I was always told she was an only child. He apparently died in 1944 in Aden at the age of 22. Why on earth is that a family secret

[arrakchrome]

My question is how do you know it is her sibling and not someone simply with the same last name, or maybe a cousin? 

[antiquesam]

Easy. The gravestone named him as son of my grandfather and I checked on Findmypast that he was born  confirmed by mother's maiden name. The only discrepancy was they married in August and he arrived in the 4th quarter, but hell there was a war on.

[arrakchrome]

Fair enough, it was quite often back in the day that if you got someone pregnant you got married, that is just how it is (his has happened with more than a few of my family).

As for why, Maybe it was always a touchy subject.  There is unlimited speculation that could go on so I am not going to try.  Ask some people that may have known him.

[CarolA3]

He apparently died in 1944 in Aden at the age of 22. Why on earth is that a family secret

Maybe not exactly a secret, more a case of unresolved grief.

My grandmother's brother was killed in WW1 in his teens when Grandma was 12.  Their parents could never accept his death, partly because his body was not recovered, although his name is on a battlefield memorial in France.  Obviously there was no bereavement counselling for the families back then.

Your grandparents in 1944 would also have to deal with their loss in their own way.  Many families believed, rightly or wrongly, that the pain would fade away if it wasn't spoken of, almost as if the lost son had never existed.

Carol

[antiquesam]

Thank you Arrakchrome, but I will have to consult a spiritualist, perhaps you know of one?
the strange thing is they married in 1917 and went to Calcutta in 1919, without the child, as far as I can tell, but the mother returned to Dundee to have another child (my mother) in 1926. She left her in the UK for 5 years before taking her out to India.

[sezuk]

That is a puzzler. In regards to the parents leaving children, similarly my grandfather and sister were often left whilst both mother and father travelled for work. Even when they were in the main 'home' city (Birmingham) we have postcards sent to each other saying Happy Birthday/ Christmas/New Yr so it seems they weren't together at those times either, although postcards were the equivalent of texts, they are for separate addresses. We do know my grandfather was mainly raised by a nanny.

Perhaps your mother/uncle were left behind for work reasons? I know my grandfather rarely spoke of his time as a child, looking back it must have been so hard being separated from family, yet strangley his younger brother appeared to have been 'favourite' as it were to a point as he often travelled with his mother to Germany and attended school there.

Another similarity we have is the 'secret' of a family member. My great grandfather disappears from the family for 20 odd years and only appears when he died in 1942. He was of 'no fixed abode' and no one spoke of him- yet when his wife died in 1946 she was buired with him and the gravestone enscribed 'beloved wife of the above' sadly I don't think I'll ever know why he was 'kicked out' the family, there are rumours, but no one left to confirm or deny them.

I hope you find some answers, but yes it maybe the family couldn't cope wit the early death so rather than dwell or go through the loss, they tried to ignore it. 

[Lydart]

If he died in Aden, this might  be where he is buried.  Its the British cemetery there ... taken in 1966, so the photo has colour changed a bit since then !

[Ruskie]

Maybe he was a bad egg?