Diary summary week ending 28th April 2024

[River Tyne Lass]

Firstly, thanks to those who have posted kind comments re my getting money back from unfathomable game.

LM, just to add some thoughts on medals.  My Dad served in WW2.  He seemed to have a sort of cynical attitude to war.  He wouldn't really talk about his experiences to most people, except to me as I was interested in this and he did tell me some of his memories.   What he did tell me sounded pretty awful to have lived through, like the stuff of nightmares.  I remember once that my Mam seemed to take a bit of umbrage that he had told me some things that he had never shared with her.  I just think perhaps that he had might not have wanted to burden her.  Whereas, I have always had a curiosity about history, so perhaps this is why he told me things.  We have war photos of Dad smiling and looking very happy but I think this might have been a 'front' for his family back home at the time.
 He had no interest whatsoever in applying for his medals.  When I asked him about this he said why should anyone get medals for killing people.  He also didn't seem to like having to apply and said they knew where to find him when they wanted him.  I asked why he went as he came across as quite 'anti war' to me and I think as a coal miner he may have been able to get out of it.  Dad said he went because he didn't want people to think he was a coward.
Quite a few years after Dad's death my eldest late brother applied for and received replicas of the medals my Dad would have been entitled to.  I don't think Dad would have minded as he tended to have an each to their own approach.
Dad also never went to Remembrance parades as I sometimes do.  He seemed to find the idea of war horrible and wanted to put it behind him.

[Jebber]

If they had not answered the call to arms, the alternative result would have been unimaginable horror.

Back in those days communication was slow, only news reports on the radio and newsreels in the cinema, so those at home were kept in a certain amount of ignorance. Unlike today when we get almost instant films of the horrors of war.

I think most men were reluctant heroes, many didn’t want to talk about their experiences to their families, not wanting to tell them of the horrors they saw and endured. As the years went by I think they found some kind of relief going over their experiences with old comrades who understood.

[River Tyne Lass]

Some of my Dad's memories sounded very much like 'Saving Private Ryan' to me. My jaw dropped when I first saw that film as I thought this is just as if Dad had been speaking to Steven Speilberg about his experience.

I once asked Dad if he had felt like running back to the boat.  Well, I had to ask.  He said your own side would have shot you if you had done such a thing.  He said he had had to just keep going and hope for the best.  Many of his comrades were killed but it seems like there was no stopping regardless.

Just to add Jebber, I agree that the alternative of refusing the call would have been unimaginable horror.  I asked Dad why he went not because I was suggesting he might have thought about getting out of it but because I was curious and wanted to hear in his own words why, for someone so seemingly anti war, he had gone and served anyway.  It must be strange for anyone having to do something they don't like or agree with. 
I dread to think what think what life would have been like if Hitler had won.  He would no doubt have wiped out many people he considered as inferior.

[River Tyne Lass]

Just adding about some recent happenings.

DiL has got through treatment and has sent a photo of herself ringing the bell. Hopefully, in time Grandson will be able to do this too.

Yesterday, I went upstairs on the bus to work as  I thought it would be warmer.  When we reached Newcastle I started going downstairs when the bus had stopped but it  suddenly jerked forward unexpectedly and I thought I was going to catapult down the stairs.  My right  hand grabbed at the rail awkwardly as I tried to save myself as I lunged forward and I hurt my fingers in doing so.  They are still hurting this morning although not broken.  A kind man at the bottom of the stairs, with a white stick, (he must have been partially sighted as he had noticed what had happened) was most solicitous in asking  if I was alright.  Driver didn't say anything. 

On return home I had to wait an hour at the bus station as I just missed one pulling away, and the next due one didn't show.  It felt like forever getting home.

[Viktoria]

Whilst I totally respect ex soldiers ‘ attitudes that have been mentioned ,we can’t just forget such sacrifice by all men who did serve, willingly or not.

I wonder what our  country  and indeed the world would have been like had we not won WW1?
Perhaps no WW2 ?
As has been said-“ T he trains would run on time!”
Our country in 1914 was very class conscious ,great divides between the rich and poor and I remember reading once ,that there was a train of thought that women of the upper classes ( note the lower case letters!) grieved more strongly than the “poor” ——— ignoring the facts that thin ,sickly ,poorly clad
children could be dearly loved even if their mothers could not feed them or clothe them very well.
So when poor families lost a son they were not much fussed!

How DARE anyone arrive at that opinion.?
Families grieved but still had to go to work and get on with work and household work as well for women . They were more private , after all as for example when the letters started arriving in Accrington and surrounding small towns and villages, after the first day of The Battle of The Somme, when The Accrington Pals- 11th East Lancs - were almost totally annihilated -someone from  every street - it seemed and more than one in many homes were killed, brothers and fathers and sons.
That morning when the letters were received ,there would be grieving families almost every street .
I think that changed the idea of family members serving together ,it had been a sort of inducement ,serve with your brothers,father and pals.
1,076 men enlisted in 10 days, 850 were killed.
The Sheffield Pals were another example -

“ Two years in the making- Ten minutes in the destroying”.

They had served in Mesopotamia before being almost totally wiped out on the  first day of “ The Somme. “
It was a prime example of the innocence of youth and ideals of patriotism.

They and The Sheffield Pals were at the North  end the battle lines,Beaumont Hammel, Serre, Thiepval .
The huge Memorial there has many of their names on it.
“ The Accy Palls’ “ memorial is an Accrington brick wall, NORI brick ,a very hard wearing building brick made at Accrington.
Just at the edge of the trenches - we have stood in their overnight bivouac trench - and wept.

I have the Roll of Honour , fathers and sons together.

So whilst many men served honourably albeit reluctantly in many cases, they did fight in defence of their country.
All credit to them.
But of course they came back to mass unemployment,dole queues ,the means test, and such deprivation , not really until there were signs that Germany was “at it again “and rearmament started giving employment did things improve job- wise for many many poor people.
I know, my Dad was one.
He could not get married until 1933,too ill to work ,even after the relative luxury of being a POW ,which probably saved his life, or I would not  be here now typing away !
A very emotive subject,it almost beggars belief.

I admire those men who really did not want to kill others- who could be  family men like themselves ,but they did in defence of their families and
country.
They might not have wanted it but got anyway thanks and  admiration - they deserve remembrance .
“Love’s Last Gift- Rememberance.”

Viktoria.

[River Tyne Lass]

Viktoria, what you have written is very moving.  It beggars belief almost to think of all the slaughter of WW1 and of men like your Father who continued to suffer even after the war had ended.  It must have felt so hard for him being too broken to work.  I am glad to hear he came through and that you are here too.

I am feeling so exhausted today, I can hardly move.  I often feel like the shifts are killing me.  Especially, non stop 12 hour ones and going from late to earlies.  I am nearing my mid sixties.  I have just called off going to see Grandson as I don't feel I have the strength regrettably.  I do feel so very bad about it but I feel almost ill with tiredness.  Two more 12 hour shifts coming up starting tomorrow and I feel I won't be able to do it without some rest.  Yesterday, I felt so exhausted I thought I might have to ring in sick but I managed to push through.
I have had a text from doctor inviting me to take part in digital coaching for people with high blood pressure and depression or anxiety.  I guess they must be thinking of that (futile) time when I tried to get help for my insomnia.   I might accept the digital coaching.  I am thinking about it.  Although that could just be a waste of time too.

Hopefully, one day when Grandson is older I will advise him.  I will say think about where you are heading.  I will say try to stay away from work which will exhaust you, especially when you grow old.  (I dread to think the retirement age when he grows up.)   Do not do care work as I have done.  That is what I might say.

[Viktoria]

R.T.L.What you too write is moving ,I am amazed how hard you work and the travel and long shifts and seeming lack of interest by your employers.
Have you thought about  an underactive  Thyroid?
Tiredness, brittle hair and nails,some weight gain ,slow heartbeat which again adds to tiredness. ?
Getting one is hard I know but a full health check might find a cause beyond the obvious ones I mentioned above, like my daughter who has Pernicious Anaemia ,many and varied symptoms but tiredness and “ away with the fairies “ feelings .
Has had on several occasions gad to phone someone to rescue her as she knew she was unfit to drive ,so two people had to go ,as her car needed to be brought back too.
P.A. has to be treated by intravenous injections .

I am pretty sure you know all that but someone else saying it might spur you to try again for a Dr’s appointment.
I really hope you get it sorted ,it has been as good while now - that is not a complaint - but a comment which I hope will make you strong and value yourself enough to get cracking with appointments and tests etc.
Hard I know ,but keep trying and hopefully a full check up will find the cause.
Having said that you do work hard and long journeys before and after shifts are very tiring ,sitting own O.K. but a bus is not as restful as your home.
Listen to your Granny!
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.
Best wishes for some improvement in many areas of your life ,principally work and its affect  on your health.
Sincere good wishes.
Viktoria.


.

[Jebber]

RTL, I agree with Viktoria, I suffer with a double whammy, both underactive Thyroid and Pernicious Anaemia, I  know only too well how  they both drag one down. You sound as if you need a thorough investigative  medical, if necessary ask for a second opinion and don't take no for an answer.

[River Tyne Lass]

Thanks Viktoria and Jebber.
I know I do not have a thyroid problem as I have had checks on this in the past.  My hair is thick and not brittle.  I have medical reviews and I know I am not anaemic at the moment although I have had this in the past. I am sorry that you have your own problems too Jebber with your double whammy underactive thyroid and pernicious anaemia.  I know this will be very hard to live with.  And Viktoria, I do admire your stoicism too in keeping cheerful despite your own health issues which you have mentioned on here in the past.
Personally, I think I have reached a burnt out stage or if not I am very close but unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a remedy for it. 
I know what the root cause is.  It is work - working without breaks, yes, we are entitled on paper but doesn't happen much in reality (you cannot say anything - it didn't go down well as I recall when someone tried once) and having badly spaced shift patterns - 12 hours regularly and sometimes finishing late, getting in not long before midnight then sometimes having to get up at 5 to start all over again for an early; jumping from nights to days in rapid turnaround etc.  I don't sleep five hours I think I am lucky if I get four on working days. I wish the government would make breaks mandatory for care workers and then I am sure this at least would happen.  I also don't like that there never seems to be enough time to do everything that needs to be done at work.  There isn't enough time and it seems like some things are expected to be done by magic.
It feels all too much at my age.  It is like slavery except I'm being paid.
I do have days off of course but I am getting to the point now where I am too knackered to want to do much when I am off.   Sometimes seeing people now on days off can feel like too much hard work. I am upset that I have not gone to visit Grandson today but I feel sooo grinded down.   And I need to rally some strength for tomorrow's 12 hour shift and 3 hours approx travelling time and repeat again the day after.  Sometimes on days like today when I am feeling so out of sorts and exhausted I could just scream.

Oh I know I could get a sick note or  a few days of addictive sleeping tablets as offered before but I don't want this.  I just want better work conditions but that is too much to ask.  Thank you for listening Viktoria and Jebber.  It is good to sound off.  The neighbours are out in the garden and might be alarmed if I did scream.
Maybe I am depressed but who wouldn't be depressed if they felt so exhausted.  I balk at the idea of potentially getting treatment for depression when I believe this might be an outcome rather than a cause.

Just a few years to retirement though; I just hope and pray they do not change the goal posts.  I do find some solace though in being able to say my piece on here.